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This show kicked off in FINE form.

Sad state of affairs.

Just lookit. Raven looks a mess. A fucking mess. These geeks were in the ring, and Dreamer was hyping up the PPV. The crowd were going bat shit crazy for this and I don’t know why. Dreamer said there was some legal problems with the alphabet. Ooo, I get references. He said they conferred with their lawyers and had decided to call this little deal “E V 2.0″ because it’s the new version of extreme. Tommy said he was happy to have Devon be a part of the crew but was concerned about the relationship with Bubba. So out comes Bubba. Devon says they need to put their differences aside for the sake of ECW. He gets all fired up and what have you. Devon is a great promo. Just a great old-school promo. Weird that Ray has always been the main promo guy for the team because Devon always impresses me. Bubba turns his back and starts to walk off. That makes Dreamer sad.

ChairShot.org will soon be launching an "over/under" pool on how many times he cries in TNA.

Dreamer says “Bubba” (thats what he called him) needs to do this. He said this was like KISS reuniting. KISS! IN 2010! He said it was for the fans. It was one last night to thank the fans. I’m pretty sure you’ve thanked them a million fucking times. Get on with your life. Foley took the mic as the fans chanted “one more time”. Foley parodied Dreamer, saying “Brother Ray… Brother Ray… Brother Ray…” Foley is awesome. He looks about 60 though. Foley said they needed Ray to make the show that much better. Why do I care about this? Even within the context of an ECW reunion show; why do I care about one of the Dudleys being involved. The original One Night Stand didn’t have FUCKING RAVEN and it was still awesome. I’m supposed to be upset if ONE OF THE DUDLEYS wont do this show? Taz stands up and tells Ray to do it. This is such bullshit. All of these promos are like… fine… but this angle is just not entertaining. It’s not interesting. I don’t give a FUCK about these men. I don’t want to see them wrestle. Mick Foley, to this day, can STILL cut a money promo. Still. But he can’t make me interested in seeing these guys do this show. Bubba asks if they can set someone on fire and agrees to be involved. There was an “E V2.0″ chant. Ew. Like I say, the crowd was loving this. So good for them I guess.

Hogan comes out. You know, deep down, this guy has to HATE this shit. Flair, Hogan, all these other legends of the 80s who carried the industry on their backs; they have to HATE all the credit ECW gets. Hogan says it’s cool that these dudes are riding again. Hogan says he “gets” this whole hardcore thing. Lie. He calls the announcement Dixie made of the ECW PPV the “shot heard around the world”. Another lie. Then he repeats Dixie’s line, and he had to just be choking on this, that those guys were to the 90s what he was to the 80s. That’s another lie and all. Big one. Never been a fan of Hogan, but that is such a slap in the face to that guy. Hogan did one thing in 80s; make money. He didn’t pioneer anything. He didn’t innovate. He didn’t revolutionise the business. He just took it on his back and made it the huge industry it is today. ECW was the polar opposite. It never made money but it DID innovate and it did bring new things to the business that would ultimately by taken on by the two bigger companies. In NO WAY are the two comparable. Hogan says he missed the original ECW because he was doing his thing in WCW. Hogan said Bischoff had a surprise for later. Probably more BS rankings.

ABYSS came out. With Janice. He cut about how THEY are not happy. He gets all angry and shakey and such. He says THEY are PISSED about the reunion. He says THEY blame Dixie. I do too. Maybe THEY is the internet wrestling community. Hogan tells him to fuck off and that Dreamer is a guest of his, and nothing is going down until the PPV. Abyss says THEY have given him instructions to kill Dreamer, before the PPV. Dreamer says he’ll gladly fight Abyss tonight. BEFORE THE PAY PER VIEW. That’s dumb.

This segment was about as long as the John Cena/Chris Jericho promo from RAW but it was nowhere near as entertaining.

Backstage the WOMENZ are arguing.

At least they're hot.

Lacey is HILARIOUS. She’s playing peace maker and is like… ever so slightly laughing and cracking smiles during this segment. This is like a school play. God bless Velvet. She’s a good promo, improving in the ring, crazy hot… but these segments require far too much acting for her. It’s not just cutting a promo. This is like the worst soap opera you ever saw. But with the hottest actresses. Anyway, the have the same argument they’ve had all month. Madison apologizes. Velvet eventually accepts and they hug it out. It is shocking how badly they have FUCKED UP the, one time, most entertaining act in the company.

Angelina vs. Sarita. Winner gets Madison. Angelina is just the weirdest looking thing. She looks like one of those 40 year olds who just cakes on the make up, and dyes her hair to try and look 20. Absurd tits on an anorexic frame doesn’t help. Anyway, they do some chain grapplin’ early. No heat for this. Very sloppy. Of course, being TNA, Mike Tenay got word in his ear of some announcement during this match. The main event is going to be a “hardcore weapons no disqualification match”. Yes. Look forward to that. I would go on and on about how dumb this is, a week before their ECW PPV, but I just can’t be bothered. This women’s match is still going and it’s still not good. Angelina has the worst punches in wrestling. Is anyone’s worse? Answers on the forum, please.  She also hits a shitty spinning heel kick. She hits a hybrid super kick/bicycle kick for the win. Far too long. Not good. Plus we’re getting Madison vs. A. Love again.

Backstage, Eric Young is trying on helmets to try and impress Orlando Jordan while mannequin in a pink boa hangs upside down. No seriously.

...

OJ is all annoyed and asks Eric if he’s on something. I could have sworn Young was done with all these wacky gimmicks. EY says he’s drunk on some… Canadian booze. And then he says he’s not right cos he got kicked in the head and dropped off the top rope. BUT he has a plan. And a backup. What shite.

They show a clip from Xplosion of Young getting his head injuries. Oh I get it. He’s got some WACKY concussions. That’s always great comedy in 2010. OJ is making faces at the camera and chewing on some gum. He makes SoCal Val eat it. Gross. Just gross. Out comes Young with his back up.

EVERYONE WANTS HEAD.

They take on Ink Inc. OJ started off with Neal. OJ kept trying to molest him. Young is being goofy on the apron, making his back up reach its hand out for the tag. That was funny. OJ makes the tag and breaks the mannequin. Young throws in the mannequin and it breaks more. OJ asks Young what’s up and he says “I’M NOT THE LEGAL MAN”.  Ink Inc win with the Mooregasm. EY throws up the X for a legit injury for the mannequin. This was some unfunny bullshit.

Flair is in the ring. He says he has a rematch with Lethal next week. It’ll be a street fight. He says Beer Money, the muscle of TNA, are in Fortune. Now it’s complete. So wait… was this some kind of tease? If I recall, the original line up was the same as this one except it also featured Nigel. Nigel then lost a match, I think to Lethal, where the gimmick was he was out of the group if he lost. So we’ve been teased with the announcement of the stable members for a month, just to wind up with the four guys we already knew would be in it? Who wrote this? This is like they found the script from a month ago and got confuse and we’re watching a reshoot of the same angle. Robert Roode cuts a promo saying when they beat the Guns tonight, they will become four time tag champs. Kazarian cuts a promo. And this made me want to rage. He says; we’re not some gang of angry rookies. Could this company be any more low rent? Can they not do a FUCKING THING in this company without making some remark about WWE. It’s just pathetic.

Inferior to Wade Barret

We’ll see how smart this clique looks next to Nexus in a few weeks. Kaz says they’re seasoned vets and the best there is in the TNA GALAXY. Good God. It’s getting to be sad, this. AJ gets on the mic and says the Global title doesn’t DRAW RATINGS. MORE RATINGS TALK ON TNA! He says FORTUNE DRAW RATINGS. LOL. He renames the belt AGAIN. Now it’s the TV title. FUCK. ME. He says Kaz faces Terry tonight and if Rob wins, he gets a title shot. This was a desperate segment. A fucking desperate segment. Not even Ric Flair segments are good on this show.

Kurt comes out. He says AJ is next. Oh boy. We get that match again.

Now for the real reason I watch.

FUCK YEAH

Guns. Beer. Cage. The Guns come in the back door and scale the cage when the heels have their eyes locked on the front door. Nice start. Roode got busted open early and bled a lot. They were tagging in and out which is always irritating in a cage match. But according to Vince Russo, and he’s said this on his facebook, you CAN be DQ’d in a cage match. So I guess that’s just how it is. I’m not going to bother calling all the spots in this match because I’m too busy watching it. It fucking ruled, people. Breaking news. WATCH THIS MATCH. Sabin did a dive off the cage, and after Storm accidentally struck Roode with his bottle, Storm was hit with a double team and pinned. Fucking greatness.

Anderson was announced and his music played.  But it was Matt Morgan. Doing his entrance.

Jim Cornette said this guy would main event Wrestlemania

Morgan got the mic. Eventually. He had to shout at the dude lowering it. This was great. Morgan tried to impersonate Anderson. But he sounded like Val Venis. Then he does a Hogan impression and exaggerates his size and weight.  Morgan calls himself the DNA of TNA. Remember that?

Anderson comes out and gets his mic. Says he’s gonna get a little closer to Morgan. Honestly, if ever there was a match I didn’t want to see, it would be between these two dorks. Morgan says he’s going to give Anderson the first free shot. Anderson goes low and hits Morgan in the nuts. Then Morgan makes a comeback using the Von Erich claw. He chokes out Anderson with the mic cord. Then Jeff Hardy runs out. He saves Anderson. Security get involved. Then security starts beating up two time world champion Jeff Hardy. The faces start getting in security’s face but security keep… I guess beating them up. It really didn’t look like that. They kept doing tackles and really sloppy looking grapples. I think they were trying to give the impression the security were aligned with Morgan but they looked really sloppy and it just looked like they were shitty security. D’lo, Snow and Kenney came down and told security geeks to fuck off. Tenay kept saying that one of the security guards was big Murphy, in a way that would suggest we should know who this. This segment started out great and then a million things happened and it fell apart. Textbook TNA.

Christy is backstage with Kennedy and Raven.

LOL WOOPS THAT'S JEFF.

He’s fat, I’m saying. Anyway, Anderson says that the security geeks are frustrated wrestlers who never got a break outside of being security guards. He says they wanted to make a name off Kennedy and Hardy. Is this seriously how Hardy is being used? Kennedy says they’ll have a match later.

Rob Terry vs. Kaz. AJ is sent to the back .  Kaz is squashed in ten seconds. Just annihilated. They JUST formed this new fucking faction. What a dork.

Morgan and the security guys are out. The security guys look like the most generic indy dudes you ever saw. Morgan wants nothing of Kennedy and tags in Murphy. He looks like tall Kevin Thorne. The other dude tags in with Kennedy. Murphy was doing shoulder charges on Anderson in the corner and Anderson would elbow him in the back and he wouldn’t sell.  Murphy took a whip into the corner and looked like another one of these green dudes who can’t take an Irish whip. Jeff went for poetry in motion but got a shitty clothesline from Murphy who proceeded to fall on his ass. This guy is horrible. The other guy tags in. This was hilarious. He whipped Anderson into the ropes and Murphy attacked Anderson who took a bump. The legal man apparently didn’t know this was happening and so still attempted some kind of shoulder charge or clothesline (they tried to cover it with an edit) and just faceplanted the mat. The crowd just turned on this. Morgan fucked off. This was apparently him being in character, but to be honest he might have just been fed up. As he left Gunner took a HORRIBLE mic check and a Swanton and mercifully it was over. Horrendous stuff here.

Christy wanted answers from Hogan about Eric’s announcement. He didn’t reveal much and said he had to go to New York. UP NORTH!?

Titties.

These two were in the ring for the announcement. Bischoff said he loved each and every one of the fans. He is such a horrid face. That came off as the most insincere thing I’ve heard in months. He said the beautiful Dixie had inspired him when she brought back the “E V2.0 guys”. Obviously Bischoff has NEVER been a fan of ECW. Especially because he was always accuse of stealing their ideas and talent.  He said he spoke with Spike executives about doing an exciting project for fans. To cut a long story short; the week after Hardcore Justice they’re doing a PPV quality show on Impact. For years people have been saying TNA’s PPV business is so horrible, and clearly they dont care about PPV, that they should just abandon it and experiment with TV specials with PPV quality matches. And at last they’re trying it out. So, good for them! Although I do wonder why they are doing this a WEEK after a PPV that they are presuming will do bigger numbers for them. Kinda undermines your little ECW experiment. But whatever. It’s progress.

Abyss comes out and says he was talking to THEM. THEY want the main event for that big show to be Janice hanging above the ring, and Abyss and RVD will have a ladder match to attain… “her”. Abyss promo was really good here. I hate this THEY garbage but he’s still a good promo. Bischoff gives him the match. Abyss tried to attack him anyway but RVD makes the save and hits a Van Daminator. But of course, AGAIN, the heel has to make his comeback and a million other people have to run in. D’Lo, Snow and Pat Kenney get involved yet again. As all this is happening, out comes Dreamer for the weapons match main event. His music his horrible.

Tommy has NEW GEAR and MMA GLOVES. What an athlete.

MMA gloves make it more realistic. Not pictured; board with nails called Janice.

They proceeded to have every garbage match ever. There was an ECW tree of woe spot. Dreamer even chanted “ECW” and not E V2.0. They announced Ultimate X for next week in the middle of this. They hit each other with a bunch of shit and then Dreamer took a slam into barbed wire for the loss. Not a big pop for the barbed wire spot. It’s been done a million times in Abyss matches. Just a lame lame main event.

Raven ran out with a chair and turned on Tommy. Shocking.

State. Just a state.

Then. And I swear to Christ this is true; he LICKED Dreamer’s face. TWICE. That was disgusting. Show ends.

This show was fucking horrible. God bless the Guns and Beer Money but they are just four men. They cannot counteract the tidal wave of shit that is TNA Impact. They had a fantastic TV match, but as usual everyone else dropped the ball. What’s new?

3/10