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This is the much talked about show that was taped on Monday. Reports from the iMPACT Zone claimed the main event angle was as good as the original Nexus angle a few weeks ago. Lets take a look.

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They opened the show with a recap of the supremely mediocre Victory Road PPV, which you can see a review of a few entries back if you didn’t see it.

The announced the best of 5 series between the NEW TNA Tag Team Champions; The Motor City Machine Guns and Beer Money Inc, to settle the controversy surrounding the match at Victory Road. I guess that’s referring to the finish of the match which saw two referees counting a pin for each team, eventually leading to the match being restarted. Makes sense.

They also announced a street fight between Sarita and Taylor Wilde. Unless they had a match on Xplosion (which is like doing a RAW angle on Superstars) this is the first match I’ve heard of them having since the absurd break up of the team. And it’s a street fight. For free. Tonight. With no build. Doesn’t make sense.

Also; Jay Lethal will face off against Jay Lethal. Good stuff.

We get the updated TNA Top Contender Rankings, as promised.

#10 - Rob Terry. This guy just returned from months off of TV last Sunday. And he lost. Why is he in this list?

#9 - The Pope. He also just returned to inring action last Sunday. And like Terry, did a job.

#8 - Kurt Angle. I don’t like this storyline, for the record. It’s completely killing his opponent’s heat and to be honest, we really don’t need another Kurt Angle title reign, if that is where this is going.

#7 - Hernandez

#6 - AJ Styles

#5 - Jay Lethal

#4 - Samoa Joe - Don’t quite know what Joe has done since returning to warrant this.

#3 - Anderson - Same.

#2 - Jeff Hardy - And again.

#1 - Abyss - So the top three contenders are the same three guys who all LOST in a four way match at the last show? I like the idea of ratings in wrestling but they need to really really think about the list they’re putting together and book it in a way that the people on top are believable  as top contenders. In the same way that if you have a heel authority figure just announce that a guy is a top contender, people wont buy him as such, if you just throw together a list with no reasoning, people wont take it seriously.

Anyway, on with the show. Abyss comes out with his meat in his hand.

Pictures say a thousand words. Dunno what this one is saying.

Yeah yeah, lame joke I know. So yeah, he comes out with some meat. Taz asks “what’s with the beef?” I love Taz. Abyss cuts a promo on RVD. The crowd chants for RVD. Abyss says THEY have a plan for RVD, involving Abyss and his “girl” (the stick with nails). He says the plan is “beyond extreme”. Abyss then says the plan will be revealed later, after further instructions from THEM. Abyss calls his the stick “Janice”. He talks about how sexy she is and stuff. Then he says she has a dark side, and with his spit still wet on the camera, he beats the meat with his girl. I’m being serious.

This is like porn for Necro Butcher.

He started hitting the meat and the crowd did in fact chant “beat that meat”. Of course they’re not going to take this wackiness seriously. Then Abyss eats his own meat.

Wat.

Taz makes the obvious comparison to Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This was just crazy. In a good way and a bad way. First of all, I like how this guy who just murders himself in the ring with glass and nails and barbed wire is now having to resort to eating raw meat to get over. Second of all, this was just such trashy TV that I was kind of cringing through it. But to be honest… it did make him look like a crazy dude. So, I guess if that was their goal, well done but it didn’t exactly make for great TV.

Mike Tenay was informed that there was an altercation backstage. Okay, here’s TNA’s problem. How often does this happen? It seems like every week Tenay gets word of some fucking fight backstage, or someone’s beat up or there’s a big pull apart brawl happening and security is involved. Every week they do this shit. If you want this type of thing to resonate, and not have people brush it off as just another TNA angle, how about you try NOT doing it every week?

Anyway, it’s Taylor Wilde and Sarita in a scuffle. I didn’t watch the show where they broke up but the report I read said that Sarita just beat her up. Is there any reason? Sign up to the forum and let me know if I’ve missed the point here. Anyway, they’re backstage throwing each other into a bunch of shit. Wilde throws a sign at Sarita. Or tries.

Miss.

Sarita is talking about it being all about her now. I guess that’s her motivation. Taz talks about how these two are the first ever TNA Knockout Tag Champions. Taylor seemed to get completely lost at one point. I guess this was an improved fight. Tenay says these two have a street fight later tonight. Then a few seconds later says “I guess this is the street fight”. The fight got sloppier as it went on. Sarita slapped on an arm submission and asked Taylor to give up. I guess it’s now a falls count anywhere match. And there’s no referee with you, you dumb bitch. Then we got to commercial and Tenay says to comeback because they’re having their street fight next. I don’t know.

Coming back from break, they’re still brawling but now it’s just at the side of the stage, coming out from the backstage area. This gets a bell. Sorry, what? You couldn’t officially start the match backstage, that would be silly but here at the side of the entrance ramp is okay? Anyway, I was watching this and thinking; I would never see this in WWE in a million years. I have to give TNA credit. A women’s hardcore match (particularly between two girls who aren’t just poorly trained models) is something only they do. But then again I also wouldn’t see such confusing stipulations in WWE, so it’s a toss up. Anyway, Tenay explains that the backstage fight was just practice and now the match is underway. Taylor lays Sarita out with a sloppy chair to the face which was poorly edited. Sarita throws water in her face and hides under the ring. She re-emerges a few seconds later jumping Taylor from behind. Sarita starts pulling the mats on the floor up.

Then Tenay says Douglas Williams and Brian Kendrick are having an I Quit match later. WHAT? Can those two not just have a match? Can they not just fucking wrestle? And WHY ARE YOU TELLING US NOW!? In the middle of this other gimmick match we’re supposed to be interested in. I mean, I’m sure no one is interested, but come on now. And more importantly; I get that PPV isn’t TNA’s preference right now so it makes sense to do this match on free TV, but why the fuck wouldn’t you advertise it? Why are you giving away these matches with no promotion and no build? I’m sure when the rating comes in and it’s the same as always they’ll be SHOCKED that no one tuned in for the street fight, ladder match and I quit match show. BECAUSE YOU NEVER TOLD ANYONE IT WAS HAPPENING.

Anyway, back on track, this shitty women’s match is still going on. Sarita comes off the apron and gets a chair to the chest. Sarita has a huge bruise on her arm. She got knocked into the crowd and decided to use someone’s hand bag strap as a weapon.

TNA! TNA! TNA!

Ref stopped the match and Sarita was declared the winner. This really sucked. They tried really hard, and for a garbage match with two women I’m sure it could have been worse but this was just no good. And as Sarita is celebrating this supposedly big win, we cut to the back. Some things never change.

RVD is backstage. He says he isn’t intimidated easy, referring to Abyss and his weapon.

Coming back from break, Impact appears to have been bumped for a cheap softcore porn flick.

"I want a pizza with LOTS of sausage."

It’s Bischoff’s assistant woman (forgot her name, but it’s Brooke from ECW) and she’s mouthing off to someone on the phone. Then Nash walks in. For those who haven’t been keeping up, Nash has been frustrated with the Hulk/Bischoff administration lately. Join the club. He wants TV time and he feels bad for The Band. He wants to talk to the bosses and the assistant says they’re not here. Nash stares at her tits and leaves. Then he comes back and says that they should go out tonight. And fuck, probably.

Up next is the I Quit match. Tenay says this is non-title. Well at least that makes sense. Match gets underway at a quick pace with lots of heat. Taz and Tenay don’t care. They’re talking about Nash. The finally start paying attention as Doug Williams starts taking it to Kendrick. Douglas throws a clothesline. Ref asks Kendrick if he quits. Douglas knocks Kendrick down with a punch. Ref asks Kendrick if he quits. Kendrick chokes Williams in the corner with his foot. Ref asks Williams if he quits. They start grappling on the mat. Ref asks Kendrick if he quits. He’s fucking in their FACES with every single move. Jesus. Doug locks on a Boston crab, Kendrick gets the ropes, but no good in an I Quit match. Williams sets up a gutwrench suplex. Referee asks Kendrick does he quit BEFORE the move. Even Taz calls attention to this. Again, before and after EVERY move the ref is asking this guy if he quits. This is interminable. Williams pulls out the climbing glove he used at Victory Road. I guess that’s his new gimmick. Kendrick makes his comeback and goes for his submission but Williams is fighting it. He locks it on and Williams gives. A five minute I Quit match. Just like at Victory Road, this was a potentially good match hindered by the stupid gimmick. I wanted to smack this referee so bad.

Then Kevin Nash came out. Kevin Nash! YAY!

"It's 2010, you old fuck."

"IRRELEVANT IN TNALAND!"

It sucks to be an X Division guy. The state of that division these days. And for seemingly the billionth time, they served as food for an older “proven asset”. And what does Nash want to talk about? HOGAN AND BISCHOFF! He wants TV time apparently. Who could conceivably care? Nash says he wont be replaced when he dies. Lie. We have Matt Morgan. He then implies he’s going to fuck Bischoff’s assistant with his giant cock. He starts calling himself a living legend and says if he cant get people’s attention he’ll take out some of the young stars to get attention. Well isn’t that awesome. I can’ wait. This was a heel promo but of course the crowd cheered. Because they’re conditioned to only care about the old dudes. Then…JEFF JARRET makes the save. I mean… shouldn’t A YOUNG GUY make the save? WHO WANTS TO SEE JEFF JARRET AND KEVIN NASH!? Jarret says it’s not about Kevin Nash any more. And he says it’s not about Jeff Jarret any more. Well at least he’s talking sense. Jarret puts over Lethal and talks about Kev’s ego. He says Nash is a glory-hound and an egotistical son of a bitch. Kevin Nash says, and I swear to God this is a direct quote;

“THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO SAY I’M THE BEST WORKER IN THIS BUSINESS”

I demand names and sources. Immediately. Nash says Jarret has him to deal with now. I have no desire to see this. This cannot happen. This main evented a WCW pay per view 10 years ago, and back then people were saying Nash was over the hill.

Nash is backstage saying Jarret is dumb for defending Hogan and Bischoff. Literally like 10 seconds long.

Wolfe is already in the ring. And with him;

She's unimpressed... I think... it's hard to tell.

He faces Joe and Rob Terry. Because Wolfe ran in on Sunday and cost Terry and Joe their match against Fortune. So they get a three way with the guy? Joe was loved as usual. Tenay put over Terry’s lengthy run with the Global title. Half of which was not televised. The guys stare at each other. And then we cut to the announcers’ desk where Magnus has arrived. During this shot we hear the match kicking off in the ring. This company just fails. On every fucking level. Cutting back to the ring, Desmond is trying to escape but is being dragged in kicking and screaming. Joe and Terry tee off on him and he bails. Magnus is calling Taz babes and talking about handsome he (Magnus) is. What? By the way, they did mention that Magnus was “back” after his extended absence but didn’t explain where he was. As Wolfe is knocked out of the ring, Joe and Terry beat on each other. Why? I thought this was just a joke match where they squash Wolfe to be honest. Is the title on the line? Why do they care who wins? Well whatever. Wolfe made a comeback and took it to Terry with Joe on the floor. Terry made a comeback before Joe came in and slapped on the choke on Wolfe who tapped. Nothing match, nothing segment. For more here’s Chelsea;

...

Taz said “look at the disappointment on her face”. What? Joe showed some respect to Terry before leaving.

Flair said he had a huge announcement later tonight. He said it was a big announcement that would change the direction of TNA. You are joking? That has to be a rib.

Up next; the first in the best of 5 series between Beer Money and the Guns. This first match is a ladder match. The winner gets a contract to decide the stipulation for match two. Beer Money jump the Guns from behind to get this underway. The ladder came into play pretty quick. Sabin got crotched on the ladder in the corner. That looked rough. They brought a second ladder into the fray and things got all kinds of crazy. Sabin tried to do a spot where he ran up a ladder in the corner to hit Storm but he slipped on a rung and it kind of fell apart. He made up for it later though.

HANGTIME!

They did some awesome spots with a ladder bridge between the railing and the apron. Thankfully the ladder didn’t give, which is a hugely over done spot in WWE. They really went a million miles an hour with some crazy spots. There was a ref bump at one point. In a ladder match. Sabin got the contract but Storm hit him with a beer bottle and took the contract for himself. There was two referees but Hebner snr was tending to Hebner jnr and so they saw none of this. What a shitty finish. This series is supposed to be RESOLVING the controversy surrounding the PPV match and they’re doing MORE bullshit finishes. Tainted an otherwise GREAT match. Not quite as good as their PPV straight tag match, as it was a bit clunky in places, but with more time and a chance to pace themselves this would have been a match of the year candidate. It really would have been better suited to PPV. All that said though; great TV match. The heels having the advantage in a best of 5 series is always the way to go, so kudos on that.

Backstage Abyss is attacking more food.

I HATE SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDZ!!!!!!

Never mind that shit though;

Pimpin'!

Pope is facing Matt Morgan. They went like… a minute. It was very basic. Hardly shocking, it was Matt Morgan. Pope won with the DDE Codebreaker variant. Of course Morgan beat him up afterwards. Because no one is allowed to get over on this show. Morgan beat the guy sideways and set up for the kick into the post. OF DEATH. Ken Anderson made the save. Anderson of course is trying to convince folk that he is a good guy these days. He acted like he was going to beat on Pope but he beat up Morgan. So I guess we’re getting Morgan vs. Anderson soon? That will be a technical marvel. Anderson extends a hand to Pope. Pope is wary. Anderson put Pope on the shelf for those who don’t recall. Pope gave him a nod but didn’t shake his hand. Interesting stuff. I like the angle. It’s kind of a rehash of the Anderson/Hardy stuff, but Anderson did take Pope out a few months ago and I like that they’re following up on it. It’s a nice change from TNA’s habit of abandoning angles when it suits them and WWE’s logic of all faces are mates.

Backstage we have more softcore porn setups. Lacey is trying to calm Velvet down. Maybe she should give her a back rub *cue saxaphone*. Anyway, Velvet has the TNA Knockout Titles in her locker. Not seen them in a while.

I like your makeup... Why not come a little closer and get a better look?

Velvet is pissed at Madison for being all high and mighty, or something. And apparently she’s annoyed that the Biker Chick is maybe getting into the BPs. Velvet’s acting = no buys.

Madison Rayne is in the ring, protesting about the decision on Sunday. She highlighted the incompetence of the referee, and explained the stipulation of the match. She’s right. She’s a heel, and she’s right. The decision on Sunday was mind boggling. The crowd is “WHAT”ing Madison. A WHAT chant in TNA. Madison says she could sue TNA if she doesn’t get the title back. I’d love to see that. The Beautiful People come out. These ladies are damn fine, if you weren’t aware. Velvet is pissed about a new girl being introduced to the group. What? She just explained that it’s not a Beautiful People member. Velvet is also annoyed that Madison said she didn’t need the BPs any more. I don’t remember that but whatevs. Madison said it was just the truth. Velvet wants to kick Madison’s ass. Angelina interrupts. She is a hideous crow of a woman.

EW.

She mocks their acting. Seriously. She’s right to be fair.  Angelina says she recognises Velvet’s tits and accuses her of being Motor Chick. Velvet says she has a better ass. Velvet says Angelia can have Madison cos she’s done. Velvet leaves and Angelia approaches the ring. Madison wants the title back. They do a cat fight. Then the chick on the motor bike comes in. Crowd dies. They beat up Angelina. And then they left. What a segment. These girls cannot act to save their lives. Just stupidity.

Jeff says Jay Lethal beat Flair on Sunday but tonight he faces the Charismatic Enigma.

That match is next. Jeff is looking very heavy. For those who didn’t see the pictures of him from the Brooklyn house show, check them out. He’s got quite the gut. Hardy is very slow and once again did not look in good form tonight. The ECW dorks appeared in the crowd during this match. Raven looked like absolute shit.

State.

Jeff went through all his spots. The Whisper in the Wind in particular looked lame. Tenay announces the stipulation for the Beer Money vs Guns match next week. It’s a street fight. They also announce Kurt Angle vs. #7 Hernandez for next week, with Kurt’s career on the line. Fucking million things going on. Can’t people just have matches? Why does the announcement have to be made DURING the match? While Tenay is waffling on, Jeff pins Lethal clean with his finisher. I could just bury my head in my hands right now. The guy came off what people are calling “the biggest win of his career”. He beat his hero. He moved up in the rankings. He’s also beaten AJ Styles and Kaz in recent weeks. Why in the name of God, did he fucking lose to Jeff Hardy? Can NO ONE get over in this company? I wouldn’t mind if Jeff was an all conquering center-piece of the show, but he’s not. He’s just another guy. And now so is Jay Lethal. This was fucking infuriating.

Abyss was backstage fondling his stick.

Flair is out with Kaz and AJ. He says they are the first two members of Fortune. He puts them over big. Desmond Wolfe interrupts and calls them wankers. He gets in Flair’s face and Flair says “you do not put your hands on God”. That was nice. Abyss interrupts with his big stick. Fortune gets lost in a hurry.

Abyss calls out RVD. RVD answers the call. Abyss says he will share the plan with RVD. The plan THEY have laid down. THEY are coming soon, he says. To take over TNA apparently. There is nothing RVD or Dixie Carter can do about it. Abyss says THEY want Abyss to take the title from RVD. “What chants” from the people. Abyss says they’re going to have a match. With “Janice” hanging above the ring. And there’s going to be all kinds of violence with tacks and glass and what not. Abyss then says it’s only a question of when and where? RVD says the title is his. He says he gets to set standards as champion and decks Abyss with the belt. He kicks the hell out of Abyss who then makes a comeback. Abyss goes for Janice. Foley appears on the ramp. Then the ECW guys come out of the crowd and beat up Abyss. Security comes out and they are dispatched. Then Doug Williams and Okada and someone else came out and they were beaten up. Taz was talking about how these guys weren’t employed here, to his knowledge. I’m certain they were bragging about Dreamer being signed a few months ago. And Raven and Stevey and Rhino have all been on TNA TV this year. So I don’t get the instinct of the TNA locker room to run to the ring like this is an invasion. Dreamer and in particular RAVEN looked absolutely horrible in this segment. Raven threwh a kick at a security guard that had to be seen to be believed. He is also fatter than I think he’s ever been. Then some agents came out, some of whom I didn’t even recognise. Just dorks with press passes around their necks. Terry Taylor, D-Lo Brown and Al Snow came to the ring. Al Snow turned on the TNA guys. AL FUCKING SNOW. More TNA guys came to the ring. This must have been like 20 against 6 and the 6 ECW guys were destroying the TNA guys. Pope, Lethal, Kendrick, Wolfe. All destroyed by these fat, old embarrassments. Al Snow and Raven gave Jay Lethal not only the most criminally counter productive beating ever, but it didn’t look too good either. D-Von ran down to join the ECW guys. Then the POLICE showed up. THE FUCKING POLICE. They threatened to MACE the ECW dorks. This is just terrible. Jarret was on the apron reasoning with the gaggle of brawling wrestlers. Dixie Carter got on the mic and said “STOP! I invited them”. You invited who? The ECW guys? If that’s the case, why are you telling the TNA guys to stop because it’s the ECW guys who initiated the fight? This sucked. A bunch of people who not only aren’t relevant in 2010 but also aren’t even in shape. The reports coming from the Impact zone that this was great TV were lies. This being mentioned in the same breath as the original Nexus angle would be beyond comprehension. This was quite embarrassing.

TNA’s back. I got my hopes up last week with that great show, but they found a way to let me down, as always. This invasion angle was hokey, it’s counter productive, it looked like shit, and it made zero sense. We’re supposed to care about Raven and Tommy Dreamer? We’re supposed to be intimidated by Pat Kenney and Al  Snow? Fuck off. That is my review of this episode of Impact; Fuck. Off. Check the ladder match on YouTube. As always the great wrestling is buried under mounds and mounds of dog shit.

This episode of Imapct taught us one thing; consider your source. When a report from the Impact zone tells you the ECW Invasion is better than the original Nexus angle - consider the source.

4/10