ChairShot.org

This show is like washing the dishes. It’s a chore. It’s not even a big chore. It’s not a big labour that I detest or that I find hugely annoying. It’s just something I have to do. And part of the displeasure of this show is the waiting and the anticipation. I can’t sit on my arse and watch the telly because I know I’ve to wash the dishes. I can’t waste a Friday playing with the PS3 because I know I’ve Smackdown to watch. And it’s not without it’s charms. Just like how I keep my iPod on when I’m washing the dishes, there is some good to be taken from Smackdown, it’s just outweighed by the tedium of the rest of the show. This analogy is a bit of a stretch but I’ll sum up by simply saying; this show aint what it used to be.

After the pyro… the show opens with:

THE PARTY IS OVER.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN. HE’S BACK! Visa issues sorted, both in real life… and in story lines. Before he can open his mouth, he is interrupted by charismatic enigma Teddy Long. Long teases this poor McIntyre fellow who is standing in the ring with his head hung and his dignity robbed. Drew kisses Teddy’s ass and Long says he’s just doing so because Vince is gone. Long says that now Drew is on a level playing field with the rest of the roster. Drew, who has been humbled badly as of late, completely agrees. He goes on to say he thinks Teddy Long should be put into the Hall of Fame next year. The crowd boos… I guess they don’t like Teddy. Drew cuts a promo about Long being inducted to the HOF in his hometown next year in Atlanta (where this show was taped, for the record), and at the same event, Drew says he’ll main event with the World Belt. Teddy says Drew can get there by winning Money in the Bank. BUT WAIT A SECOND PLAYA! YOU AINT IN THE MONEY IN THE BANK LADDER MATCH! He goes on to say that if Drew wants in the match he should get on his knees and beg. What a douche Teddy Long is.

Douche.

Recap of Teddy begging for mercy from Drew. Followed by an “on your knees” chant from the crowd. Drew gets on his knees. Teddy feeds him lines to spout off about how great Mr. Long is. Drew does it and looks all sad. Long says he’s not in the ladder match still. This poor guy. He got screwed at the PPV (you’ll remember he had Kofi pinned clean and Teddy wouldn’t count) and now this. Teddy says Drew must beat Kofi to get into the ladder match. Yes, we get that mediocre match yet again. Oh boy. Okay segment.

Here’s the qualifying match for the final spot in Money in the Bank on the blue brand:

Dorks.

Remeber the first Money in the Bank? Imagine one of these characters being in there.

So anyway, that match is next. Some good heat for Dolph. As her nephew approaches the ring, Vickie gets on commentary. Matt Striker helps adjust her headset and calls her a “cougar”. I’m convinced no one in WWE knows what this word means. So the match starts in typical fashion, with the heels double teaming MVP. Matt Striker is very enjoyable sucking up to Vickie. Todd Grisham plays the DEFIANT BABYFACE, questioning how right it is to have MVP in this almost-handicap match. SWEAR TO GOD. Grisham is the next Rock. Matt and Vickie’s exchanges are disturbingly sexual. I mean, it sounds like porn dialog. Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked. Apologies if the wacky commentary distracts me from this Chavo Guerrero bout. Match is pretty solid. Not a bit of heat. Some fans are behind MVP’s little comebacks but no one gives a shit about the heels. And seemingly no one gives a shit about the goofy ladder match. Big superplex from MVP on Dolph got a pop. Vickie was concerned. To ease her, Matt breathes “are you okay” and rubs her poonany. That last bit isn’t true. Chavo contemplates pinning someone. Seemingly for 20 minutes. Just staring at the prone bodies. Scintillating TV. Then Dolph turns on Chavo too… it’s like Michaels and Jannety all over again. MVP made his big fiery comeback but Vickie pulled the referee out of the ring as he went for the cover. Dolph Ziggler slapped on the sleeper and got the win. This segment was five stars for it’s stupidity, I had lots of fun.

They hype up Big Show vs. Swagger. Let me get the popcorn.

We get another Alberto Del Rio vignette. It looks the same as last week’s and fuck knows if it’s not because I certainly wasn’t paying close enough attention last week to distinguish the two. I am mesmerised by how dull this is and can’t be arsed to take notes or screen caps.

Some little fan in a Mysterio mask is being tended to by the doctors backstage.

DAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW

Look how small he is. I dunno if it’s perspective or the doctor is just stacked but fuck. Josh asks the doctor how bad the injury is (it was apparently caused by Swagger’s ankle lock last week). The doctor speaks directly to Josh and points at the foot whenever he’s making a point. This is like; concerned mother Josh panics after her son is hit by the ice cream truck and the doctor tells her it’s just a sprain. Quite weird. And people worried Rey would be treated like a child like he was during his 2006 title reign.

SWAGGER bursts in. He tells everyone to get the fuck out and slaps on the ankle lock. Now… before I tell you the rest of this, remember this is supposed to be a SERIOUS angle. This man is a vicious predator attacking the much loved world champ. He puts on this ankle lock and proceeds to DRAG the pathetically weak Mysterio through the backstage area. By his foot as he wails in pain.

Not making this up.

Eventually Jack smashes his knee into the ground and swings Rey into the wall like a rag doll. This is like what JR used to say about the Big Show to put over his size when he beat on other wrestlers; it was like a man playing with a child. This was a big dude just annihilating a feeble little dude. After posing, Swagger proceeded to lock the hold on again and drag Rey out to the arena . This feels like it lasted an hour. And Swagger’s ankle lock looked like. TOTAL. FUCKING. SHIT. Batista’s ankle lock was better than this. Big Show made the save as the world champ lay in tatters. It at least had heat, and Swagger looked like a beast but FUCK Rey looked beyond pathetic here.

Of course they recap it after break.

Christian comes out as they recap last week’s Peep Show segment. Matt follows. “Awesome” I thought. This could be a good match to build to the pay per view. No. Turns out they were teaming. After they beat each other up last week. And against team No Heat too. Hawkins and Archer come out. Hawkins no sports a suit jacket during his entrance. This is like if the Dudebusters were supposed to be taken seriously. They aren’t though; their gimmick is they’re dorks. Hawkins and Archer are meant to be intimidating.

Look at the shoulders.

Even the commentators don’t care about this team. They spend a large amount of time discussing Money in the Bank. And why not? Obviously this match is meant to showcase the talent that’s actually in the ladder match right? So, Matt Hardy does a job to one of these dorks and the segment ends. Seriously. Okay, it’s not as simple as that. But it did annoy me. The team IN the ladder match on Sunday LOST to the team not doing anything. The actual finish did at least get over the “everyman for himself” concept of Money in the Bank. Christian (maybe) turned heel by attacking Matt Hardy to a chorus of big boos. Hawkins picked up the pin. Match was short and no good.

Kofi vs. Drew. “Lets go Kofi” chants from the kids early. They did some good grappling early, before Drew locked on a chinlock in the first minute. Jesus. How tired are you, really? Match was pretty fun, once it picked up. Kofi missed his big kick but hit an awesome reverse kick on the rebound. The crowd was really into the near falls. After using the turnbuckle, Drew hits his DDT and gets in the ladder match. BOOO say the crowd. Very good stuff here.

Should flash a graphic on screen saying "SYMBOLISM". IT'S A BIT TOO SUBTLE.

They recap the silliness with Punk and Serena last week.

Rosa Mendes made her now weekly cameo, in another 10 second backstage segment where some more important character walked past as she was exercising in a manner that highlighted the jiggly-ness of her lovely breasts.

A few seconds later, Punk and Gallows walk past... and Rosa is never spoken of again...

This started with her wanting in LayCool and they said she must work out first. Who the fuck remembers that?

MORE ALBERTO. Didn’t pay attention.

Punk and Gallows are out. Gallows talks about Serena’s shame last week and calls her out. She comes out and is all… sorry and stuff. This was one of the most melodramatic, unconvincing promos I’ve seen in a while. Punk and Gallows were staring at her, unapprovingly, as she groveled. Gallows said she was pathetic. Who the fuck could possibly care about this? It’s a silly, poorly acted soap opera between the TOP HEELS on the brand. Do we sympathize with Serena? Is she a face now? Is she an alcoholic babyface? Punk says Gallows is out of line, and that he forgives Serena. They pipe in some shocked noises that were totally unforgiving. Gallows looked angry and left. Oooo, tense. Serena said she wouldn’t fail Punk again. They hugged. Piped in some boos for that. In reality, no one cared about this shit.

Promo for the WWE Title Cage match. That really is an A+ feud compared to what’s going down on this show.

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHING. CODY. RHODES. Is out next. He has new music. It’s a vast improvement on the old stock tune he had. He also has a new mini-tron, and this is quite inventive; basically one part of it is a mirror, and as he looks into it, it actually does show his reflection on the other side — live.

LOOKIT! AWESOME!

God, that’s great. Anyway, Dashing Cody faces Scruffy JTG. JTG always gets a pop, no matter how much he’s jobbed out or left off TV. Just further highlighting how the E dropped the ball with the Cryme Tyme split and not moving J up the card. This was quite dull. No real heat. Not even for JTG’s comeback. Cody looked impressive as usual, but still no heat. No one gives a damn about the guy. I guess we need to give the new gimmick a few weeks, but it’s not exactly electrifying fans yet. Easy win for Cody with his pinwheel finisher.

A DASHING Victory!

Kelly Kelly is interviewed by Josh who announces she has a title match at the pay per view. In her YouShoot DVD that I recently reviewed, Maria Kanellis said Kelly had real tits…

LIES, WOMAN.

Layla interrupted.

I don't have a caption... we just need more Layla greatness.

Kelly got in her face, but Michelle jumped her and she was double teamed. Not like that.

Big Show cut a promo about how painful the ankle lock is. The most pain he’s felt in his leg. He said Swagger viciously slapped it on Rey earlier, and got a little upset. I swear to God Show looked like he could cry at any moment. I know this guy has acting training and does want to get into movies, but fuck this was great.

Swagger vs. Show. Oh boy. Big Show ran wild early. You should see the man hit the ropes. It’s a joy. He does it like a normal person but he’s fucking huge. Great TV. Swagger soon dominates and works the ankle. Then they fight outside. Then they get counted out. Fuck. Me. Can Swagger actually win a match? If you’re working so hard to get the guy over as a beast, why have him get counted out or DQ’d all the time? Anyway, he beats up Show on the ramp and is kidnapped by Kane. Kane takes him to a room and puts him on a chair. Swagger acts shocked and seems to create the illusion that he can’t leave the chair despite not being bound to it. Then this happens.

LOL.

Kane blames Swagger. Swagger says it wasn’t him. Kane was intense as usual, but Swagger was like… amateur hour stuff. Middle school play, as the Americans might say (maybe). Swagger says he has an alibi and he’ll show us next week. Kane says if he doesn’t buy it, Swagger goes to hell. Then the show ended.

This is the goofiest show on TV. And also; completely irrelevant. There is no incentive to watch this show in terms of angles or stars you should care about. But to its credit, much like I said with the crazy cast of characters on NXT season 2; the wackiness can be a plus, and you can have some fun with this show if you don’t take it seriously. And unlike NXT, there actually are some good matches and good segments on this program.

A mixed bag as always, but some stuff worth checking out.

6/10