Not included: Joe Hennig

They were majorly hated. Barret cuts a promo about RAW tonight, and how it comes live from Washington.  They show a recap of Nexus destroying Undertaker last week. Destroying more than the ravages of time already have, that is. Otunga cuts a happy smiley face promo about how great Nexus is. Wade outclassed him. Tarver said Nexus did more than beat up Undertaker, they also took out five of Raw’s top superstars. He actually mentioned Jericho and Edge walking off. Not much of a boaster. Heath Slater said he pinned the WWE Champion in his wannabe Michelle McCool voice. This guy sounds so goofy. He nearly shit his pants with enthusiasm and it was quite awkward. Gabriel put over taking out both Cena and ‘Taker in one night, including cleanly pinning Cena. Gabriel is not a good talker. After amateur hour, Wade took centre stage and talked about pinning Randy Orton. He said he will win the six-pack challenge at Night of Champions. I completely forgot that was the main event. Randy Orton interrupted;

They could make more money from merch' if he wore pants.

He talks about taking out two Nexus members last week and said he’d win at the PPV. Orton’s face promos are so awkward. As is his “hi I’m a face” smile. Before it breaks down into a fight, we get an email from the GM.

BEEP BOOP BEEP.

I find myself loving that sound. I just love how hated the GM is without even being… anyone. And Cole is great in any heel role. GM makes Gabriel vs. Cena. Oh boy. And Orton vs. Wade. Bigger oh boy. Interference is banned from ringside. This will end poorly.

YOU WOT!?

Jericho was in action next.

BEEP BOOP BEEP.

Before Jericho even made it to the ring, Cole got another email. The GM was annoyed at Edge and Jericho’s desertion last week and was gonna punish them. At this point I’d like to ask… is this GM a face or a heel? I could have sworn last week it was a heel. Anyway, GM said if Jericho and Edge didn’t win their respective matches tonight they were out of the title match. This got a mixed reaction. Jericho faced off against… JOHN MORRISON. Great news for anyone who enjoyed their tremendous TV matches last year on Smackdown and Superstars.

Morrison vs. Jericho. Morrison tried to get the quick win early, Jericho was preoccupied with shouting at Cole during the match, desperate to know who the Mystery GM is.

"DO AN IP SEARCH!"

During the break, Morrison got dumped to the floor going for his flying chuck. Morrison made his comeback after a few minutes, with the crowd getting behind him. They had a good sequence of signature move counters and dodges. During this match they plugged NXT Season 3 tomorrow night. Don’t miss that shit. Crowd sort of died on this one towards the end. I think they busted out the walls and the lionsault too early. After avoiding the StarShip Pain, Morrison got caught with the walls. He fought to the ropes to a big reaction. Jericho went for a superplex but Morrison fought him off and hit a beautiful StarShip Pain from the apron into the ring for the clean win. Jericho is therefore out of the title match at NoC. Good TV match.

Jericho had that far away look in his eyes after the match.

That one.

Some dudes chanted “please dont go”. Yes. Please do not. After a few minutes of looking sad he left, and got a round of applause. And a Y2J chant. This was one of those well handled WWE moments where they didn’t just instantly cut to the back or commercial. Interested to see how Jericho goes out.

Melina is out. The Divas title is on the line every week now. It’s like the hardcore title. Just defended every week in shit matches. Her opponent is Alicia who cuts a promo on the way to the ring. Alicia says she’ll be competing at Night of Champions to unify the titles, not Melina. She says she’ll be the “undefined champion of divas” soon. Poor girl. Her delivery was good but I have no idea what undefined means. Crowd instantly silenced by this. Melina had that shit eating grin on her face the entire time. Horrible face. Both in terms of facial structure and her disposition as an on-screen pro wrestling character. Match was fine. Felt like the entire thing was laid out for them step for step before the match and they rehearsed it for two hours before hand. Nothing was botched that I saw and it was kept short. Good by the standards of Raw women. Waste of time otherwise.

Wrong man won.

Miz was backstage. He had something concealed under a curtain. He said tonight everyone was going to learn about the road to awesome. He told Josh Mathews to go away which Michael Cole was amused by.

Also backstage was a meeting of the minds.

WOO WOO WOO.

Edge was bitching about something and Ryder said he would gladly be Edge’s opponent tonight. Edge made fun of him for sucking and demanded the GM make the match. Ryder was boasting about being a former Number one contender. That’s a great gimmick for a comedy jobber, I love Zack Ryder. Edge said if he didn’t get the match he’d smash the computer which the crowd cheered for. This was fun.

Backstage AGAIN, Ted DiBiase was on the phone to someone. He said he loved whoever it was. Maryse came into the shot. No reaction. Because no one knows/cares they are a couple. It was his mom apparently. Maryse found some note from Ted saying “I want you so bad”. Ted said he didn’t write it and she didn’t even know it was for her. Maryse talked French which annoyed Ted. Melodramatic shite.

Raw Roulette next week. That’ll probably suck. A bit less than viewer’s choice though.

Gabriel vs. Cena. Cena chain-wrestled early. No seriously.

John Cena: Indie Geek.

It was good stuff from the go. Big heat from the crowd. The man demographic booed the chain wrestling. I like how Cena can’t win even when he panders to smark interpretations of what makes great wrestling.  Dueling chants from early on, pro and anti-Cena. Gabriel went to work on Cena and hit a nice rolling senton from the apron on Cena. Gabriel looked great here, mixing up his offense. The pro-Cena crowd out-yelled his haters during a a wacky lucha-style submission. Cena did his new trick of standing up during the submission. Gabriel turned it back in his favour though with a big back drop into a power-bomb. Justin missed a moonsault and Cena kicked into gear with his comeback. Gabriel dodged the AA and hit a nice STO. Gabriel went for the 450 but Cena cut him off. He hit a HUGE Attitude Adjustment for the win. Strong TV match. Cole kept calling the move the “AA”. That shit must not happen.

We got a preview for Legendary. I skipped it. It looks alright but I don’t need to listen to people waffle on about it.

Miz was in the ring. He had a little inring segment here, complete with carpeted ring and … whatever it was he had backstage, covered in a tarp. He talked about his origins in WWE and how no one cut him any slack for his background in reality TV. He did a promo like this a few months back and it was great. Miz story does translate well as an angle. He even had pictures of his previous self. Lookit the hair.

Not pictured: dignity.

He talked about all his detractors both in the crowd and the locker-room. He said he became the host of Smackdown but it still wasn’t enough. He mentioned the team with Morrison and said people called Morrison the star. He talked about allllllllll his accomplishments since leaving the team, culminating in his unveiling of his new cover of WWE Magazine. He demands everyone stand up and admit they were wrong about him. Everyone booed loudly. He said he was the poster child of the company now.  Miz’ promo was very good, although he did seem to lose his place once or twice. Reasonable price to pay for the one guy who doesn’t have every line of his promos written by chimps.

Daniel Bryan at last comes out. He talks about being everything Miz isnt. Crowd didn’t care much. He says he could beat Miz for the title. They had a little photoshopped cover of WWE Magazine with Miz tapping, which the crowd liked. Daniel challenged Miz for the title. Miz accepted. Crowd got into Daniel as it went on. Miz tried a sneak attack but Bryan got the LaBelle Lock on. Riley interfered for Miz but he then got the submission locked on. Miz watched as Riley tapped out. Daniel then teased breaking Miz’ magazine cover. He just kicked it and smiled. A few flubs from Miz aside, this was a good segment. A bit long, however.

Edge was out for his match. With this lad.

Yep, Ranjin Singh.

Edge did some lame comedy on the floor. First threatening the laptop. Then he did the world’s longest and shittest impression of Khali. Match ended when Khali got counted out. Shite. GM restarted the match as an over-the-top rope challenge. Crowd booed. Of course they did. No one wants to see this shit. Edge went to the floor. Khali followed and I thought “oh great, the old ‘I’m too dumb to understand the rules’” finish with Khali eliminating himself. But there was no bell. Cole laughed. King tried to cover up but Cole was just blurting out how stupid this was. And it was. This was so unbelievably asinine. What agent put this together? An over the top rope challenge with the Great Khali, where the heel goes to the floor and when Khali follows it’s not the finish? Or did they assume he’d be smart enough to get under the rope? King said you have to BE thrown over. NO. NO YOU DON’T. Edge got him over eventually and THEN he won. This segment was complete and utter shit. SHIT.

They run through the NOC card. We see this graphic (tell me if you can spot the error).

Almost 6, yeah.

Josh Mathews asks Jericho what his future holds now he can’t win the title at the PPV, and he promised to leave if that was the case. A sombre Jericho had no reply. John Morrison came along. We got some comedy with him mocking Jericho. I laughed.

Sheamus is on commentary next.

Oh he’s joined by Edge and Cena. How lame. I wanted some solo commentary, fella. Anyway, winner of this gets Cena next week. Why is Cena someone you have to win a match with?

Barret vs. Orton. Before the match started, Sheamus was already telling Edge no one cares about his twenty nine titles because he’s not the champion now. I love Sheamus. He,  Cena and Edge had a  FELLA-OFF early on. Awesome. Orton ran wild on Barret to begin the match. They brawled near the announce table early. Barret cut Orton off with a HUGE boot to the face. Sheamus said the rules weren’t fair to him and his “POOR IRISH GRANNY” was saying countless prayers for him. God this is awesome. Barret pounded away on Orton, and looked good. Sheamus said he was flu-y when asked why he didn’t have a match tonight. Orton made a comeback. Barret dodged the draping DDT but before he could do anything some weird music played. And out came this guy…

Wow... really?

Young said he wasn’t the weak link in Nexus, he was the missing link. Obviously doesn’t know what the missing link is. Wade got RKO’d off the distraction and pinned. Finish didn’t make Wade look too bad but the presence of Young is definitely not needed. Luckily he ALSO got RKO’d. As did Edge. And Sheamus. Wow, Randy Orton, world beater. Orton vs. Cena next week. Match was okay. We got a stare down to close the show.

Not again, please.

One saving grace is the continued presence of Alberto Del Rio, who threw a Mexican Stereotype party in honour of having injured Rey Mysterio the previous week. In Rey’s absence it was left to everyone’s favourite JTTS Christian to stick up for the plucky Mexican underdog.

Christian after watching a Michael McGillicutty promo

Following some witty barbs from the Instant Classic a brief scuffle ensued that ended with Del Rio backing off but promising that payback would be forthcoming someway down the line.

As Christian was watching Del Rio back up the ramp he was attacked from behind and injured by the dastardly Scot Drew Mcintyre, with whom he had a scheduled match. Coming back from the break in spite of the pleas from the official Christian went ahead with the match. A typically competent but fairly robust affair followed with Christian pinching the victory with a desperation pinning manoeuvre.

Mcintyre: Jobber to the Jobber To The Stars

Michelle McCool defeated Kelly Kelly in a pointless match notable for three astounding tits, one of which was Matt Striker.

You're welcome Barry.

There was some pointless backstage nonsense with Hornswoggle, Teddy Long and a Doctor that I won’t go into.

Dolph Ziggler then defended his Intercontinential Title against Chris Masters, who in spite of what one may assume is not actually a terrible wrestler, in this match alone he showed more ability to work the crowd and sell Dolph’s offence than half the roster. Decent, but unspectacular outing.

Jack Swagger’s disqualification win in last week’s amateur wrestling bout allowed him to host MVP’s VIP lounge this week, in which he interviewed his wheelchair-bound father. Why? Because WWE hates you that’s why.

I bet Dana White is shitting himself

This ended with MVP smashing up the set and the old man falling over.

An interesting segment next as Matt Hardy was given the Mickie James treatment. Cody Rhodes made his way to the ring whilst attacking Matt for his looks, weight, haircut and the fact that he’s done bugger all the past few years. The crowd could not care less and were silent for nearly the entire promo, it’s almost as if it’s hard for them to suspend their disbelief and enjoy the show during these on-screen burials of talent.

They had a fair match which Cody won clean.

Undertaker found his MITB briefcase much less convenient than The Miz's

Kane came out and waffled for 10 minutes and that was your main event.

Smackdown is fast becoming the ECW of the WWE, expect an emergency draft when the show moves channels in October.

They open with a mind-boggling video package. They were playing up the main event of tonight’s show as a big deal. That in its self is fine. The main event is a tag match between the top contenders for the TNA title, who will face off on Sunday. The weird bit was they were talking about how shocking and controversial this is. Eric Bischoff I believe used the phrase “unprecedented”. Obviously he has never watched… any episode of RAW ever. Or even Impact, actually. Every TV show building to a PPV will do a tag match like this. It was really over-the-top.

The second minute detail I’d like to talk about in this review is how much better the Impact intro is, compared to every WWE show. Because it actually has lots of wrestling.

The show opens with the one babyface in the company who’s actually over:

Pictured: someone they'll probably turn heel.

Hogan cuts his typical patronising TNA promo about how awesome everything is in the company. Since his screen time has been toned down, I’ve warmed to Hogan in TNA. He’s a great old school promo guy to have around. But this nonstop waffle about how great everything is in TNA must stop. He introduces the four men left in the title tournament. Jeff Hardy looks like a shell of himself. All made up and getting the green light show… he just nonchalantly saunters down to the ring. Don’t tire yourself lad.

It’s kinda weird that the four guys in contention for this belt are four former WWE guys. Hogan cuts a promo on the title tournament. He says these guys need to raise the bar and step their game up. Bischoff talks about the controversy of this tag match. Came someone please point me to this controversy. I apparently missed it. Abyss approached the ring through the crowd, with his big stick covered in nails. Fan in the crowd has a “I nailed Janice” sign. Well done. Gold star, you mong. Abyss says THEM have something to say. Hogan sounds as fed up of this as I am. Hogan says he knows THEY are Fortune. The fans aren’t in the least bit interested in this. They are shouting shit like “I NAILED JANICE” and “JANICE IS A SLUT”. When Abyss says THEY are not Fortune and Flair is a liar… the fans go “wooo!”. It’s painfully obvious these people don’t pay to get in, because no one would pay any money to just take the piss out of the show like this. Abyss says THEY will make their revelation on 10.10.10 (Bound for Glory). He says when THEY show up they will take out Dixie Carter (you could hear this was cheered but they piped boos over it) and Hogan. Then he said he’d kick the shit out of the top four contenders. At least I think he did. Tenay spoke over him and said they needed to go to commercial. Brilliant. This show isn’t even fucking live. As they fade to black, we see Hardy attack Abyss who doesn’t sell.

Back from break, no follow up on the brawl before commercial.

We get a recap of the shit feud between the Beautiful People. God. I hate these girls now. I should never hate Velvet Sky.

Tag team action next. Velvet and Angelina are announced. As they make their way to the ring, Madison and Motorcycle Chick drive through the audience. What is up with this show tonight? Were they so tight on time that everyone needed to make their entrance at the same time? Madison was furious at The Beautiful People for doing “her entrance”. That’s great. Before Madison and the Motorcycle Bitch could get in the ring, they all started brawling on the floor. They went back into the ring and the faces tried to spank Madison but were cut off. Then the bell rang and the match started.

Angie prepares to go where every man has been before.

Taz was waffling on about how he might know who the mystery woman is but then he said, and I quote; “nawww”. Anyway, the match was just a typical lame women’s match. It broke back down into a four way at one stage and the Motorcycle Bitch just took a HORRENDOUS spear from Angelina. Whoever it is she can’t take a bump for shit… hmmm… another clue. The finish was lame. Velvet went for a DDT but the mystery girl climbed the apron with her helmet, dropped it, picked it back up and hit the lightest weapon shot in the history of wrestling on Velvet, who was then pinned.

Mystery woman beat up Angelina after the bell. Then she unmasked to a bunch of piped in heat. The commentators sounded totally unimpressed and then drew attention to the fact that Madison was the one who ended her career two months ago. I can’t make this stuff up.

Should form "the ugly hoes" with Angelina.

I’d love to know why the unmasking and this match happened on free TV.

Stevie cut a good little promo backstage on how he wants to break away from EV2 and do his own thing.

We got a “reaction rewind” focusing on who THEY are. RVD will do an interview next week.

Stevie in action  next. Honestly looking in the shape of his life.

Right to Censor. I don't have a funny caption, but remember them?

Abyss new gimmick is he comes through the crowd, I guess. Once again, match starts on the floor. As it progresses, Tenay announces Abyss vs. Rhyno, falls count anywhere on Sunday. Sigh. Abyss works over Stevie. It was very dull. Crowd was really behind Stevie. Abyss got a chair after about two minutes. The ref fought with Abyss for the chair, Stevie kicked him and then pinned him. No really, he did. Look.

Pretty sure this never happened to John Cena.

What was very Cena-like however, was the lack of selling. Abyss was pinned and then immediately stood up, not selling a thing. He beat up Stevie an gave him the torture rack back breaker. This segment helped no one. Then, as if it wasn’t bad enough, we got a split screen of a brawl backstage. Fortune and EV2 were having a VINTAGE TNA pull-apart brawl. Back in the ring, Kendrick came out to prevent Abyss using Janice on Stevie. Yeah, Kendrick. Kendrick is now a Hardcore Original. He and Stevie fled to the back. Cut to the back.

Anderson was waffling on about his beef with The Pope. He said he’s saved Pope a million times but Pope still doesn’t like him. Then Pope came in and said that he wasn’t buying all this shit Anderson had sold the fans. I dunno if I’ve ranted about this previously, but I’ll just say if I was the man in TNA… Pope would be The Rock in my company. He’d be the man. Because he is the man. And he was the man here. This was a nice little segment.

Taken Jan. 20, 2005. Louisville, KY.

STILL TO COME:

Taken Jun. 24, 2000. Atlanta, GA.

EV2 were in the ring. Dreamer was pissed about the brawl backstage. Christ, what a bunch of sad sacks these guys are. Foley in particular looks about 80 years old. Dreamer said he doesn’t like talking. Lie. Next he’ll be saying he doesn’t like lying. He calls out Fortune for a scrap.

Fortune hits the ramp. That is an awesome faction. Just awesome. AJ cuts a very… Flair-wannabe promo. Again. It’s not bad though. He says Dreamer has no chance on Sunday. Neither does Sabu, who is facing Williams on Sunday. He says Abyss will kill Rhyno on Sunday. Probably. He just lost to Stevie Night Heat. AJ mocks Dreamer and talks about how he’s probably gonna cry on Sunday. True.

Oh... is that a little... no no... come on. Be a big boy.

Dreamer said everyone thinks Fortune sucks. Lie. Dreamer challenged them to four on four action tonight. That should be good at least.

Jarret was trying to convince Joe to help him again. Remember last week when he said he was the one who scouted Joe and made him a star? LOL. He asked Joe to do the right thing. Joe wasn’t having any of it.

Nash and Sting were having the world’s most incomprehensible, mumbling conversation ever backstage. Sting said someone was showing up tonight. Sounds familiar.

Jarret admits to the camera he’s no good, and he’s gonna need someone to save his ass tonight. Helluva babyface here.

Jarret vs. Wolf-pac Sting w/Big Sexy at ringside. 2010. Sting is still working with his shirt on. If you call it working. Nash tripped Jarret within 10 seconds of the match starting. In front of the referee. Not a DQ. Taz said the referee had his head turned the other way. This fucking show. This is like, actually sad. These people are all just so bad at their respective jobs. Sting and Jarret did a collar and elbow… well, Sting just sorta threw his hands at Jarret like he was fighting off a rapist. Nash tripped Jarret again. Not a DQ that time either. Jeff goes to the floor to fight Nash. I think at one stage Slick Johnson told him to open up his hand. Yeah. Don’t cheat, Jeff. Don’t use that closed fist on the interfering party. Sting beat Jarret up on the floor. Slick didn’t know what to do.

It's not your fault Slick, don't worry.

Sting threw Jeff back inside. Jeff tried to suplex Sting into the ring but Nash tripped him and Sting pinned Jarret. Off of that. Seriously. Taz asked how much Slick Johnson was paid off? Great stuff. Hogan came out for the distraction, and Samoa Joe beat up Nash. Sting bailed. This segment was a tremendous piece of shit. Just tremendous.

They ran a promo for “SHORE”. Becky Bayless and Rob Eckos are debuting soon as Jersey Shore parodies. Cannot wait.

They run down the card for the PPV:

Falls count anywhere: Rhyno vs. Abyss

TV Title I Quit match: AJ vs. Dreamer

Semi Finals of the Title Tournament: Angle vs. Jeff, Pope vs. Anderson.

Time for the highlight of the week.

Alright wankers?

My new favourite tag team put themselves over for a bit. Wolfe started by burying “Queer Money” and the “Motor City Cap Guns”. Then Magnus got on the mic. And he went about as over the top as any human being ever to wear a beret. He started spotting audience members and mocking them for their looks. He was wearing some outrageous sunglasses.

Out came the Guns. They talked about how awesome they are. And they are indeed. They were much loved. Shelley cut a hell of a promo. He said the only tag teaming London Brawling have done is with each other. Then off the mic Sabin said “It’s a gay reference, I get it”. That was awesome. Desmond asked if the Guns thought they were a “couple of puffs”. But then he said they were the only fellas in the ring with a “bird”. Then Magnus said they should make less jokes and work on growing hair on their nuts. This is great. Shelley questioned the pairing’s sexual abilities. Sabin called Chelsea a hooker. Chelsea said Wolfe had a small knob. The heels beat up the Guns and hit a combination dropkick/side walk slam on Shelley. This was a great segment.

BAWWWW

Backstage, Dreamer was bawwwwing about EV2 getting their asses handed to them. Kendrick came in and cut some… bizarre nonsense promo about wanting in the group. Mick said he was in. This sucked.

Elimination match: Sabu, Dreamer, Rhyno and Kendrick vs. Beer Money, Kaz and AJ. Sabu was going crazy off a hot tag, with the crowd way behind him. He went for a springboard, but Williams tripped him and Kaz rolled him up. Sabu was eliminated. He dived to the floor and brawled to the back with Williams. Kendrick was in next. Kaz cut him off as he went for a springboard high cross, but sticking out his knee which Kendrick landed on. Great spot. Fortune went to work on Kendrick. Kaz got pinned off a calf kick. That was kinda lame. Kendrick got DQ’d for kicking the ref in the face. That sucks. Back from break, Foley limped to ringside. Fortune worked over Dreamer. Rhyno got the hot tag and went crazy. He set up Storm for the Gore. He hit an AWESOME Gore on Storm but Roode made the save. Rhyno set up Roode for the Gore, but Abyss made the save.

How many times do I have to see this guy tonight?

Rhyno and Abyss exchanged blows on the floor in front of the ref. Not a DQ. Then Rhyno was counted out. It boiled down to 3 on 1, on Dreamer. Dreamer eliminated Roode. Then he rolled up Storm and eliminated him. Tommy Dreamer. Dear, oh dear. That was ugly. That was very ugly. It boiled down to Dreamer and AJ. They went back and forth. Both guys looked on submissions but the other was in the rope. Neither time the ref did a five count. This guy sucks. Slick Johnson. Flair and Foley brawled on the floor. AJ won with the pele. The pele. This match had so many lame finishes and shenanigans they managed to ruin such a simple concept.

Pope and Anderson vs. Angle and Hardy. Jeff looked bad. Pope looked great. Pope tagged in Anderson to see if he would beat up Hardy. Anderson tagged in and went after Hardy. Hardy and Anderson were very clunky together. Pope tagged himself back in. Is he turning heel or something? He went back to work on Hardy. Anderson tagged in and slapped on a chinlock. This guy is no good. Still. Anderson tried a comeback and hit the twist of fate. Angle made a great comeback off the hot-tag. Hardy accidentally hit Angle with the whisper in the wind and then Anderson hit the mic-check. Pope pinned Angle which annoyed Anderson. The opponents for Sunday brawled and that was your show. The match was nothing.

They mentioned the PPV a lot, but it was a very lackluster go home show. And just lackluster in general.

4/10

There was a big video package putting over the season and the three remaining competitors. It really does not have a “big finale” feel. Anyone with half a notion about pro wrestling knows Kaval is the only one with a chance of winning and becoming something in the WWE. And that’s not just because he’s an indie dude.

The irritatingly chirpy girl opens the show with the typical roll call for rookies and pros.

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.

Kaval is all smiles tonight. I would be too. Even as someone who has seen very little of his work pre-TNA, he has been the star of this show by leaps and bounds. Both in the ring and out. Definitely bucking the idea of a wrestling machine with no charisma. Speaking of no charisma though, Michael McGillicutty came out to uninterested silence. The commentators were talking about how he was technically gifted but something was missing. That’s putting it very nicely.

Striker introduced the eliminated rookies.

Not even TNA wants these geeks.

Percy is wearing quite the little outfit. Husky did the Wolf-pac sign with his hand. Well done, lad.

Striker took a long time to say nothing of note. He eventually said there would be a three way between the remaining guys. How unexpected! A brawl broke out when Miz got in Kaval’s face. This is just another WWE show where I realise I’ve been watching for 10 minutes and they’ve done nothing. I don’t mind ten minutes of promos or announcements or whatever. But every week this show opens with five minutes of introductions and then five minutes of waffle from Striker. It’s like the opposite of Impact where there’s too much going on. Someone needs to stick a rocket up this show’s ass to get it moving.

Mathews and Cole tell us that next week kicks off the ALL DIVAS EDITION OF NXT. This… this I gotta see.

The first pro is Kelly Kelly. Seriously. And people laughed when Zack Ryder was announced as a pro a few months back. She cut a promo looking about as orange as I’ve ever seen a living human being.

Pictured: veteran technician of the ring.

Her pro is Naomi. An athletic lady who likes wearing lots and lots of pink.

Apparently she can dance... this will end well.

Her gimmick is she can dance and she does so during her matches. So basically she’s just another Kelly. God knows we need two.

The graphics for this new season look the same as before but with a purple filter on the screen. Although I must say the theme song for PMSNXT (as I am now dubbing it) is much better than Wild and Young.

The three-way bout was up next. It was every WWE three-way match ever. Guy gets dumped out of the ring. The other two do some spots. Change position. Repeat. As usual they kept cutting to the pros. But rather than seeing a bunch of bored faces we saw this…

DASHING Couture.

Yes. I know what you’re thinking, and yes. Yes, it is a mirror on the back of a jacket. That is fantastic. Just when I was getting bored of Cody’s new gimmick, this happened. Those would fly off the shelves if they were sold on WWE.com.

Anyway, back to this match. It was really boring. For some reason I was struck by how ridiculously jacked Riley looked. Kofi was issuing fantastic advice at ringside like “use your power on him”. Kofi should get into MMA. He’d be a fabulous corner man. Lay-Cool tried to get a chant going. Didn’t work. The highlight, as usual, was the commentary. Cole and Mathews were bickering. And it was awesome. At one stage Miz high-fived them both;

Tag title challengers at Night of Champions.

Kaval hit a beautiful cartwheel kick on Riley on the top rope, and he took a big bump to the floor. That got a small “that was awesome” chant. I guess during this match Hennig realised he wasn’t going to get over as himself so he finally gave in and did a PERFECT-PLEX. Kaval hit another beautiful Liger kick on Hennig but was dumped out of the ring before the Warrior’s Way and Riley stole the pin. That has got to be the most over-done finish in wrestling. Match was… very meh. Just another WWE multi-man match.

Cole and Mathews were at each other’s throats about whether or not the pros would be impressed with the win.

The next pro was Alicia Fox:

Lesson one: how to kill fuckers with an Axe Kick.

Her rookie is Maxine. She’s got some kind of elegant rich girl gimmick and has a weird accent. Her promo was lame.

That lipstick stepped in a girl.

The next season of NXT just got better by a factor of ten.

Tremendous.

Goldust is the next pro. If he is on TV every week for the next month then sign me up. I still love Goldust in 2010. His rookie is Aksana. A fit blond Russian girl with no gimmick.

A great fresh look for WWE Divas.

So, another Kelly-a-like. Great.

Striker was asking the eliminated guys who should win. Titus buried all three guys and picked Riley. Eli Cottonwood, in a fittingly awkward and weird way, picked Riley. Lucky Cannon cut a heel promo and picked no one. Michael Cole spoke over him and buried him. Cole said “oh so now he’s a bad guy”. That was great. Percy was up next. I love that he wore normal people clothes but kept the frame-less glasses.

Lookin' classy.

He and Husky picked Michael. Well… thank God you fuckers aren’t pros. I only hope you don’t have access to WWE.com either. Husky said he, Cody and Michael were just born better. I really hope Husky gets to do something after this show. He is a great talent. No one picked Kaval.

Riley was cut. Cole was pissed. Miz threw a major fit on the stage.

Riley got to cut a promo. He buried Striker immediately. He cut a great promo. The gimmick needs to go but the guy himself is a great talker. He said he was the most talented guy here and he would be back someday. I’m sure he will be, to be honest.

More pros:

Lesson two: how to suck celebrity dick on Raw.

Their rookie is Jamie, the former NXT ring announcer. She is freakishly jacked. Her arms are just weird. I believe I spotted that a few weeks ago on this very blog but in her wrestling gear it’s just scary.

Watch out Mark Henry.

They played another video package recapping the tour of China. It looked like a fantastic trip.

Then some fan invaded the backstage area and got in front of a camera.

Can we get security or... ?

This dude just starts talking about how he has a rookie or something.

Up next is my favourite rookie. The very pretty AJ Lee.

I think we have a winner.

She says she’s representing the geeks and what have you. I think we all remember a geek like her. Oh wait.

Up next, it was another promo cutting challenge. Each guy got to cut a promo on why the other should be eliminated. Mike Mcgillicutty went first. This lad… this poor lad. Here’s some breaking news everyone; he is not his father’s son. That is for sure. He did some seriously lame comedy. He said Kaval was an adopted ninja baby. Then he said he wore a wetsuit to the ring, and that this wasn’t a swimming pool. He followed up with “no matter how much you want it to be”. Ah yes, we all know of Kaval’s aspirations as a swimmer. You could have heard a pin drop in this arena during this promo. The only sound was Cole and Mathews sniggering and trying to hide it.

John Morrison is no longer the benchmark.

He then had the clunkiest most awkward line yet. He said it took Kaval 13 years to get here. He asked why and then said “or… well, after tonight you wont be here any longer”. Silence. This was painful. This was more cringe-worthy than any episode of The Office. Kaval and Matt Striker looked horrified at what was happening. Then he said Kaval’s name meant “flute”. And laughed to himself. Make this stop. He finished up by saying “no matter how much you like it… I can represent this company better than you can” and the buzzer sounded. Cole said, and keep in mind Cole has been anti-Kaval all show; “Thank God… and Alex Riley got eliminated?” Kaval and Striker’s faces sum up this promo;

Dude... seriously, this is like self harm.

Kaval was next. It can’t possibly be worse can it? Kaval says he wasn’t born into the business like Mike. He’s just a humble kid from New York. That got a pop as they were in NY. He told Mcgillicutty to pay attention. He said it took him 13 years because he was travelling the world earning his respect. That also got a pop. And Kaval took a pause after each of these lines giving the crowd a chance to react. This was like Mcgillicutty getting schooled. He really should have paid attention because this is how a promo is cut. Kaval said he worked hard to hang in the ring with legends like Eddie Guerrero. Again, that got a pop. It’s just that easy. Cole had to admit Kaval was awesome there. This was a one-sided ass whooping. This was a verbal squash match. Hennig buried himself and Kaval pissed on the grave.

The next AND GREATEST pro ever.

SCUSE ME.

She is mentoring some freaky girl they found at a circus. She’s 6′9.

WAT.

God almighty.

So anyway, Kaval wins.

SHOCKING.

And before his acceptance speech, we delve back into the black hole of charisma.

EVERYBODY RUN!!!!

He couldn’t believe Kaval won. He said Kaval on PPV was gonna suck. He said Kaval was nowhere near Mcgillicutty’s level. HILARIOUS. He went on to say his goal in life was to be a WWE champion. Cole said that was put on hold. That actually was hilarious. He whined about not getting a title shot. More silence. He said he was the future of this company. What a lie. He said he was the NEXT BIG THING. That’s definitely a lie. He said “starting from this moment, from now, from this moment on, this’ll be the moment, starting now of the Genesis of Mcgillicutty”. That is a direct fucking quote. Never let this man speak again. Not only on a wrestling television show… but like… to another human being. Cole and Mathews buried him as he left the ring.

Before Kaval could say anything, the eliminated rookies hit the ring. They beat him up. The pros made the save. A big brawl ensued. MVP hit his big kick in the corner on Titus. This was hilarious. Titus just took the kick and then went back to work on MVP. And to think he was eliminated first. In a moment right out of TNA, Riley hit the ring. Riley then beat up Percy Watson. He hit a slam on him and threw him out of the ring. So I assumed he was turning face. Then he just started beating on Kaval. So… I guess not. There was some serious miscommunication here, as Riley obviously thought Percy was still a face. That was a fucking catastrophe. If I’m an agent on this show I’d be so freaking embarrassed. We have a major angle to round off this season of NXT and our top heel attacks one of his team mates for no reason and then goes back to work on the top face. This was a joke. Then they took turns hitting finishers on Kaval. All of which were clunky and took forever to set up. You could see the referees restraining the pros on the floor. So are the referees in with the heels? This was horrendous. The idea of a second Nexus LEAD BY MCGILLICUTTY makes me want to stop watching wrestling forever.

Fine show up until the train wreck last ten minutes.

As for NXT; again, just asking people to switch off or go to the merchandise stands.

The main event is Nexus vs. Raw’s top five guys. At first I thought “great, this will give Nexus some much needed momentum” but realistically… no one is pinning Randy Orton. I have trouble believing anyone will even pin Cena. If Nexus do win, there’ll probably be more DQs and shenanigans that means no one gets over. Or you know… they’ll just lose and we’ll be back to square one.

I do look forward to some stuff on this show though. I hope to see more from the very entertaining Miz/Daniel Bryan program, specifically some promo time for Daniel Bryan. I definitely agree with Joe who mentioned on this week’s edition The ChairShot Podcast that Daniel’s lack of mic time to explain himself is something that should be addressed.

A promo from Sheamus is always something to look forward to, and I’m sure tonight will deliver.

Plus some nostalgia and crazy retro video packages would be a treat too.

LIVE REVIEW:

Show opens with Bret Hart. Oh boy. I suppose it’s only fitting he open the 900th edition of WWF Raw is War. He took us down memory lane, and reminisced about the beginnings of Raw and how he didn’t know if it would succeed. He mentioned 17 years of Raw. Christ. It shows. Really. Bret says that the one guy who was on the first Raw with him who is still around (I assume the rest are dead) is The Undertaker. Kane interrupts. Cole and King explain Kane’s angle with ‘Taker because of course no one watches Smackdown. Kane was booed. He talked about how Taker was just a man now after what Kane did. There was HUGE Undertaker chants. Damn. I guess I am the only human being on the surface of the Earth who is sick of seeing him. Kane said Bret was like ‘Taker. Broken. Old. Over the hill. KANE said that. He said Bret must be glad ‘Taker ended Shawn’s career. Bret was defiant and said Undertaker would kick Kane’s ass. Kane went a-waffling about being the Devil’s favourite demon. You know… Kane as of late has been a great promo… his line’s are freaking horrendous though.  Kane attacked Bret. The Harts tied to save but Kane dispatched them. Easily. The lights went out and Undertaker appeared. Crowd went nuts. Kane fled but Cole got an email before he could leave.

BEEP BOOP BEEP.

The anonymous GM announced Undertaker vs. Bret Hart. Yes. Why? I guess the anonymous GM is a heel. And he wants to get heat by making shitty matches. This was an okay segment to open the show.

They had a flash back to Episode one of Raw.

Coming back from break there was another. This one was just… vintage Raw. Austin, McMahon and the zamboni. Remember when stuff like that would happen? These flashbacks always make Raw look so vanilla.

Triple threat tag team match up next. Miz and Alex Riley, Kofi and his rookie, BRYAN DANIELSON AND LOW KI. Dunno who put that together but they clearly want to send a message to the internets. Three guys in the ring at once. They had a fun little TV match. There was lots of tags and fast paced action. Finish saw Miz get the blind tag but fall off the apron. Kaval hit the Warrior’s Way on Mike McGillicuddy but Miz snuck in and hit his finish for the pin. Okay match.

Miz beat on Daniel Bryan after the match and that was that. If that’s the last we see of these two guys tonight I’ll be hugely disappointed.

REAL TALK! LayCool are here on Raw. That’s a plus of Smackdown talent on Raw. They take on Melina and Eve. Always a sign of a great match; commentators don’t give a fuck. They were talking about how long before Jersey Shore gets to 900 episodes. Swear to Christ. As I was typing this Melina rolled up Layla. Shite.

Michelle says at Night of Champions it should be a Divas title vs. Womens title match. Melina agrees and says it should be a lumberjack match. When has that gimmick ever added to a match? I HATE lumberjack matches. LayCool agreed and all the Divas came out and stared down LayCool. I guess they don’t like LayCool. Or something.

The next CLASSIC Raw moment was the original Nexus angle.

Backstage, Nexus were bickering. They mentioned in passing that Sheffield was injured. Barret said they were stronger than ever and in a few weeks he would win the title. That got a pop. He went on to say they had to do something tonight to keep people talking. And he knew what that was. Interesting. Wade is always great.

The next Raw moment was Jericho and Bob Barker from last year. That was tremendous.

Josh is interviewing Jericho. He says he is the best in the world and it’s not just a gimmick or a catchphrase. Jericho says if he loses at Night of Champions he’s done. He’s quitting. Josh says that Jericho has been thrown off Raw and threatened to leave countless times, but Chris just covered the microphone. That was great. Looks like Jericho isn’t long for the WWE, as his contract does run out in September.

During the intros for the next match, King is again waffling about how long other shows must run to get 900 episodes. Fuck. Get over it.

The Truth and Morrison have a number one contender’s match next. Winners get a tag title shot at the PPV. Before their opponents come out, we cut to commercial. Cole was once again burying Truth for his shitty rap.

Back from break, Truth and Morrison are joshing around in the ring like best buddies. It was both interminable and totally unbelievable. Their opponents were Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre. McIntyre got a bit of a reaction. Rhodes was met with utter silence. The match went 60 seconds before it broke down into a four way brawl and it was thrown out. Awesome. What a milestone show this is. I was expecting some kind of announcement of a three way. Nope. They just brawled and left. Waste of time.

There was a FUCKING hilarious fact on screen when we came back from the commercial. It was the Jersey Shore fact again, but they added in that Snookie will be older than Betty White when they reach 900. I laughed.

The next Raw moment was Shaw and Bret on January 4th.

Bret Hart vs. Undertaker. Wade Barret interrupted before a bell. Wade said it was all about the future and approached Taker. Taker dispatched him quickly. That was dumb. The lights went out. Again. Kane appeared in the ring. They did battle. Taker was about to chokeslam Kane when the lights went out AGAIN, and we got more bongs. Kane was gone. This was such hokey shite. Nexus came out. They attacked ‘Taker. Undertaker fought them off. On his own. It is as bad as it sounds. The Undertaker fought off all five guys on his own. The lights went out AGAIN and all of a sudden Undertaker was on Wade’s shoulders. God this sucks. Wade hit the wasteland on Undertaker and then he got the 450 from Gabriel. Kane was watching from the ramp, approving of everything he saw. This was lame.

This show has sucked so far.

Jack Swagger came out. No heat. He did some shitty joke about a sports team to get some heat. God this guy is dull. I remember loving him on ECW. What happened? He takes on Evan Bourne. If there is any justice in the world… Bourne will beat this man. More irritating boasting from the announcers about how many episodes other shows have had. Match goes 30 seconds before ALBERTO DEL RIO comes out. His music blaring, honking the horn on his bentley. He actually got a pretty big reaction. Proof that his hard push on Smackdown is working I guess. I didn’t expect that kind of reaction. They did a split screen of the entrance and the match. We are just not going to get any good wrestling on this show. Del Rio’s entrance is awesome. Swagger wins with the ankle lock and immediately Del Rio starts cutting a promo. No celebration for Swagger. He’s never seen again. He boasts about what he did to Rey and said he would do the same again. He put his finisher on Bourne who tapped. He attacked him with a chair but Henry made the save. An effective segment for Del Rio but a frustrating one if you actually wanted to see some… you know WRESTLING ON THE FUCKING 900TH RAW.

Recap of WWE in China. Looked like a good trip.

The next Raw moment was the “this is your life” segment with The Rock.

Out comes the Straight Edge Society. I so am not in the mood to sit through one of these segments. Anyway Punk says he’s better than The Rock. Off to a great start. Punk dissed his movies. He teased The Rock. The crowd really wanted Rocky to come out. He said that Raw promoted poor family values. He said that if you didn’t know that he had two words for you; KATIE VICK.  He told people to YouTube it if you don’t know what that is, and you’ll turn to drink and then you can come to him. That was awesome. He showed some clips to back him up. They showed things like Triple H invading Orton’s home (which sucked) and Steve Austin soaking people in beer. He lectured everyone on how immoral they are. Austin’s music hit. People went nuts. Punk just laughed. Of course, Austin didn’t come out. This segment was a huge win at this stage.

He played one more clip. Lesnar super-plexing Show and the ring breaking. Very mild UFC chant. Punk said he didn’t know who the other guy was but Big Show was so fat he broke the ring. That was hilarious. Big Show came out. Punk was hilarious complaining about how he is always interrupted. Show did some good comedy about all the times he’s been embarrassed. He did a Hulk Hogan impression burying SES. Punk said he wasnt funny. This was just great. This was the best thing either guy has done in months. Show beat on the SES who fled. This was great fun.

Raw moment is Triple H coming back in 2002.

Sheamus is out for an interview. Good stuff. Sheamus said he was being punished for ending Triple H’s career. He said it wasn’t fair and the crowd cheered. He said they were a bunch of plastic paddies and he was the only real Irish man (they were in Boston). He started ranting and raving about the tag match when Edge interrupted. Edge is… a face… I think? Christ knows. He mentioned debuting, going through tables, winning titles and all that jazz. He said he’d win the title and called Sheamus Beaker from the muppets. This was a fun little segment.

Nexus vs. Cena, Orton, Edge, Jericho and Sheamus. Elimination match. As Nexus approach the ring we go to commercial. It’s three minutes to the top of the hour, so this match is not going to get any real time, as they over-run wont be that long. Not looking good.

Jericho started with Tarver. Jericho abandoned the team and was counted out. Fantastic start here. Edge got himself DQ’d immediately. So he wandered off. Cena came in but soon tagged in Sheamus. Sheamus played the big dominating babyface and looked strong. Otunga eventually cut him off. Nexus were making quick tags. Sheamus was actually quite the babyface in this match. There was even a “lets go Sheamus” chant. Gabriel kicked Sheamus from the apron and Slater hit his finish for the pin. Cena quickly dispatched Slater. Wade brawled with Cena and threw him to the floor for some double teaming. Cena tripped up Otunga and got the STF for the elimination. Cena rolled off Otunga and was immediately hit with the 450 and pinned clean. That was nice. Orton instantly RKO’d Gabriel AND THEN Tarver for two eliminations. He was then taken out with the Wasteland by Barret, who basically pinned Orton clean. A good match and a much needed one for Nexus. They looked strong here, but not at the expense of the faces who were fighting from a 5-3 deficit thanks to Edge and Jericho. A good ending to a poor edition of RAW.

Not a good show and an EXTREMELY underwhelming milestone episode.

This weeks episode is called “Hogan’s Cavalry”

Facelift? I thought you said Forklift!

We open with the Bisch and Dixie in the back with Eric begging the southern belle to let him go out and handle things tonight. She declines and makes her way to the ring. Her face is barely still hanging on to her head. She looks terrible, like one of those Batman villans that have had their faces melted half off. We also get the customary Facebook and Twitter plugs.

She cuts a godawful promo about the hardships TNA has been through. Goddamn this woman’s eyes as looking in seperate directions. Luckily for us, she calls out THA NAITCHA BOY, WOOOOOOOOOOO!

Did someone ask for an awesome promo?

Flair wanders out and tries to get into Dixie’s pants, even offering her a trip back to the hotel with him. Ric Flair looks about 1000 years old here. His hair is receeding at a tremendous rate. Dixie verbally bitchslaps the randy old cunt. Christ, these two dinosaurs are warbling on, until Dixies suspends TNA’s number one promo guy FOR 90 DAYS BAH GAWD! Not Fortune though, for some reason, the actual perps of the recent atrocites. Fortune make their way down to the ring, as Dixie tries to take credit for making all six of them. Flair then cuts a typically bonkers quote, during which he threatens to rape Dixie, until “Serge” hits the ring.

WANNA DO A SEX WIF ME?

Serge is apparently Dixie’s husband. You couldn’t tell though, as we never see his face. This could have been Eric Young for all we know. HULK HOGAN HITS THE RING TO BREAK IT UP! Along with the WWE castoffs. What a bizarre feud this is. They put Fortune over as the guys who have made TNA. THE HEELS. Until all the WWE rejects hit the ring lead by HULK FUCKING HOGAN. Hogan says Dixie is full of shit and unsuspends Flair.

Well allow me to impart some information on you BROTHA

Flair says that “they” are coming, but not tonight. Hogan makes a 4 on 4 tag team match with AJ, Kaz, Morgan and Douglas taking on Jeff Hardy, Kurt Angle, Mr Anderson and The Black Pope.

EV2 then attack Fortune after a brief blackout. Not a person in the entire worlds gave a shit about this. Sabu looks ridiculous, his head is like Teddy Long’s in terms of peanutosity.

Angle cuts a promo backstage about tonight’s match and TNA in general. More Dixie, Bischoff and Hogan asskissing.

Samoa Joe's first split that didn't involve banana or ice cream

First match of the night then. AND SPEAKING OF AWESOME THEME MUSIC! Orlando Jordan hits the ring with a Samoa Joe action figure around his neck of all things, which he then rubs all over his chest. He then molests So Cal Val. What an odd fellow. His opponent is the returning Samoa Joe. OJ reverses a choke with a gyration in the corner, grinding up against the frankly perturbed rotund Samoan.

Taz and Mike put over LAST WEEKS BRUTUS MAGNUS SEGMENT. HUH?

Taz makes the best call of all time, wondering aloud whether “Orlando Jordan even has a yambag.” Joe takes the win via Muscle Buster in about 2 and a half minutes.

Jeff Jarrett then makes his way to the ring. Apparently he has a match tonight with Kevin Nash. Brill-nant. He has one of Doug William’s coats on. He puts Samoa Joe over big time. He wants Samoe Joe in his corner for the Nash match. They actually reference Joe’s history with Nash, which was a nice touch. Joe, however, turns down Jeff’s proposal, in the process reciting Steve Austin’s pre-Backlash 2000 promo to the word.

Wow, Matt Hardy has aged horribly

I won’t bother detailing this Nash vs Jarrett bollocks, but needless to say it was typical TNA guff. No DQs given when they should be, inane ref bumps, Sting run in. IS THIS 2004 AGAIN?

STOP THE PRESSES! ITS HULK HOGAN! Oh wait, it’s Eric Bischoff, who decided to come out to Hogan’s music instead of his own. Sting wants HOGAN! Bischoff says be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. I HOPE NOT.

Hogan appears in the ring behind Sting and blasts him with a ChairShot Podcast with Townie and the Griff this Saturday at chairshot.podbean.com and on itunes to the back.

After the break, we’re in the back with Hogan and Tommy Dreamer. Hogan wants Dreamer to take out Abyss. What a heelish thing for a face to say.

Now we have BEER MONEY against…. I don’t know. Some jobbers. Oh shit, it’s actually the FBI! This actually took me about a minute to notice. Guido has dressed up as Steve Austin for some reason. Beer Money take the win and continue the beat down post match.

Next we have the proper return of the Beautiful People of Angelina Love and Velvet Sky. Or more accurately, “The One Beautiful Person and That Other Fucking Minghag”. Taz refers to their implants as “Hydraulics”. They cut a boring ass promo. These two should be heels. No one likes the bitch girls. Then, out comes Madison “Also Nice Tits” Rayne and “Giant Helmet Motorcycle Chick” make their way to the ring. Oddly enough, to the Beautiful People theme. Oh, TNA…

Holy Balls

Madison claims ownership of the theme song and the name “The Beautiful People’. She accuses the girls of being “Silicone whores”. This is like an episode of Maury. Where’s Lacey Von Erich gone? The most beautiful of all the people? Anyway, after a whole heap of shit, security breaks up the catfight.

MCMG’s are backstage with the new Rock Band game. Thei band is actually quite good, and yes it really includes Petey “Canadian Destroyer” Williams, and YES IT IS ACTUALLY GOOD. I know.

Magnus and Wolfe arrive and have a long vignette about shopping and how cool they are, the best moment of which was Desmond accidentally hitting Chelsea in the face with an umbrella, and Magnus saying “Did you see the Bristol’s on that bird over there?” Brutus Magnus is now the greatest thing is wrestling. This was awesome stuff.

This man is a wrestling GOD

Jobberation Me are out for a tag match with The Guns. This should be fun then! In fact, this was so good that I just watched it instead of writing. Best TV match of the week so far. This was awesome stuff, if a bit short. MCMG took the win via Neckbreaker/Frog Splash.

Warning: TNA actually good sometimes

Sting attacks Ric Flair backstage, choking him with a bat. Flair made some obscene noises. “HURRRRRR HURRRRR”

Jerse Shore style ad. I guess this is for them new peoples and whatnot.

We run down the card for No Surrender. AJ Styles vs Tommy Dreamer in an I Quit match. HUH?

Abyss takes out a few EV2.0 goons before Rhino gores him into oblivion in an awful segment I’m not arsed to cover.

Main Event time, and Team Angle take the win after Pope steaks the win from Angle after an Angle Slam. We also saw Kaz’s Wave to the Future, which I marked out for. MARTY! Pope and Angle then had a shoving match which descended into a full on brawl involving TNA, Fortune and EV2.0 members.

YAAAAAY

Smackdown kicks off with a rematch of the World Heavyweight Title match from Summerslam as Rey and Kane face off in a No-DQ bout, which ends in a similar fashion to that PPV showdown with Kane winning clean. Laying prone after the match, his arm still injured from last week, Rey seems to be in some trouble when who should appear but THE PRODUCT…. OF A SUPERIOR EDUCACION, Alberto Del Rio.

Del Rio attacks the injured Rey further damaging his arm and just when it looks like he’s done, he traps Rey’s limb in a chair and rams him into the ringpost. Another effective segment in this blossoming Robin Hood-King John style feud, both men playing their parts to perfection.

CM Punk defeated JTG in short order with the Anaconda Vise to re-establish that as a finisher in his feud with The Big Show. He then forced all the SES members to pledge after the match.

So Hornswoggle was dressed up as a bush, scared Teddy Long, tried to reveal something about Lay-cool via charades and pictionary and that was that.

These Cody Rhodes Grooming Tips segments are getting a little tired, but this one was so over the top as to still be entertaining. Cody introduces the importance of being hairless.

Kofi Kingston and Dolph Ziggler had what was actually a pretty good eleven minute match, far superior to their truncated Summerslam one. This was for the title and with the stipulation that if Dolph were DQ’d he’d drop the title, which led to heat between him and Vickie as she interfered several times. An exciting match ended with Kofi winning by countout, meaning Dolph kept his title, Vickie actually stopped Dolph from entering the ring, ensuring his loss and retention.

You know how wrestling became fixed in the first place because ’shoot’ amateur wrestling bouts tended to be long, indecisive and action free? Yeah well on Smackdown we got a worked amateur match between Jack Swagger and MVP, which was exactly as boring, confusing and pointless as you’d expect.

Alberto Del Rio entered in a vintage Jaguar and defeated some hispanic-named jobber with the armbar, only notable for the fact that the jobber got music and an entrance.

Big Show defeated Luke Gallows easily in a brief match.

The main event was an Undertaker promo in which he reminded everyone that in spite of Kane’s claims and actions this was still the Undertaker’s yard.

The episode started strongly with a couple of good matches and promos, but quickly went down hill in the second half with waffle, short matches and lifeless promos.

As usual Jamie Keyes introduces the pros and rookies to open the show. As with last week, all the RAW dudes who are relevant are in Asia touring.  So former number one contender Zack Ryder is still here. Brilliant. LAYLA wore hot pants. This is already the best show of the week. Cole said some people called Hennig the potential winner. Lies.

The opening segment saw Striker asking the remaining rookies for some thoughts. McGillicuddy cut goofy promo. He plays the father card. I wouldn’t draw attention to him mate. People might draw comparisons and then you’re fucked. Riley cut a very… Riley promo. He said Sheamus better watch out, because of course, the winner of this gets a title shot. That is no buys. No offence to either guy but fuck no. Kaval cut a face promo about how happy he is to be here. Then he gets in Cody’s face for last week. He says he’s only here because of who his father is. Cody mocks his height. AND his lame promos. Kaval got fired up and challenged Cody to a match. Cody continued to mock him. This segment was dynamite. Cody and Kaval both did AWESOME here. MVP came to Kaval’s aid. Cody buried him and Lay-Cool. MVP challenged for a match. Cody accepted. Matt Striker was pleased with this and teased a TRIVIA CONTEST for later. That is gonna fucking suck.

Coming back from break, the rookies surround a buzzer for a trivia quiz. Round one; questions worth 100 points. Round two; 200 points. It’s WWE trivia. Hennig and Kaval are all tied up. They have some piss-easy questions. Any smark would ace this quiz. Riley got absolutely nothing. This got pretty funny as it went on. Some people booed. Understandable to be honest. Riley finally got one but Kaval ran away with it. He won a profile on WWE.com with lots of pictures. Cole irritatingly said it was just more Kaval on the internet. I enjoyed this wackiness.

Raw video package. The main event of the next PPV is a six way.

During commercial, I realised we’re 36 minutes in and all we’ve got is talking and wackiness.

The advertised main events of Smackdown are Kane vs.  Rey again and KOFI VS. DOLPH YET A-FUCKING-GAIN.

Main event (read; only match) Cody vs. MVP. They’re still doing the gimmick where Cody is protecting his face and doesn’t want to get hit. What silliness. This is such a mid-card comedy gimmick. Crowd were… pretty into it for an NXT match. The angle to open the show was good, to give credit. MVP hit a nice plancha and went to work on the floor when they cut to break. Back from break Cody is getting the heat on MVP with stomps and Cole is RANTING AND FUCKING RAVING about the Internet. FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. It’s getting obnoxious. He buries message boards and dirtsheets (actual term used) and says Kaval is an internet creation. Cole says he doesn’t hate Kaval but he thinks he’s over-rated. Back-tracking. Now they’re talking about Daniel Bryan. The fuckers who are PAID to talk about this match don’t give a shit. Rhodes continued to dominate with some ground and pound. MVP tries a comeback and the crowd get behind him but it doesn’t happen. Cody goes back to work. He tries a pin but MVP is in the ropes. That’ll be noted in the WWE.com recap for sure. This is so dull. AND it’s going through ANOTHER break. Kill me. Back from break, Cody is still trying to put away MVP. More HOLDS. HOLDS! IT’S BEEN 20 MINUTES! Cole and Mathews are arguing about something… this show is so tortuous my mind is starting to melt. Cody hit a superplex. How was this followed up? MORE HOLDS! A variety of the surfboard. MVP started his comeback. They did a double down, MVP got the advantage when they got to their feet and hit the ballin’ elbow. Cody hit the Alabama slam but got 2. Cross Roads got the win. Fuck me. This was so interminable. Then the show just ended.

God this show is useless. The opening segment was okay, the quiz was funny in a goofy way and the main was a useless, boring match.

For those reading this on Wednesday or after, you can read the blog live and get updates and thoughts AS THE SHOW HAPPENS on certain days. Check ChairShot.org regularly and before shows to see which ones will be updated live. And as always, live or later, make sure you come back for more reviews and thoughts on the wacky world of sports entertainment.

ZOMG.

Alberto talked about how much of an honour it was to meet Rey and all that jazz. He played up his posh character by saying Rey was from the streets. There was a lot of dipping in and out of Spanish in this segment. I guess they’re going hard for that demographic. Or something. Anyway Alberto says Rey is just like these people. He says Rey is like the worm at the bottom of his tequila. Weird line in 2010. Alberto says Rey is a joke of a man and puts over how awesome he is. He kinda comes off like Mexican JBL. Rey got in his face, he actually did okay here. Rey said he had to earn respect. ‘Berto called Rey a PEASANT. That can be his version of “FELLA”. Rey challenged him to a match in the main event. Alberto accepted and Rey gave him a 619. Del Rio is a tall, built, handsome dude who really carried himself well in this debut. A good opening segment.

Coming up after the break;

What the fuck?

Seriously? Again?

Cody gave us some more beauty tips. If you were listening to The ChairShot Podcast last week you’d know that this gimmick is starting to grate on my nerves.

Kofi vs. Dolph. Matt Striker buried the internet for no reason during this match. They had an okay match here. I think it was to make up for the Nexus run-in on Sunday. As usual they mentioned Hall of Famers having IC titles in the past and said Dolph could be a part of the group some day. Not really. There was just no heat for this. Kofi tried to get the crowd into his comeback but they really didn’t care. He went up top but Vickie shoved him off for the DQ.

Another satisfying WWE finish.

Kofi went into Berserker mode and threatened Vickie but she cackled knowing Kofi couldn’t touch her. Dolph beat on Kofi and hit the Zig Zag. He locked on the sleeper to boot. People booed. Dolph went back in the ring and gave Kofi this freakin’ stiff stomp to the face. This was an okay segment but they’re dragging this feud on too much. Having the guys wrestle each other every week gets old fast.

REAL TALK.

Lay-Cool did a funny segment where they teased some plans for Melina. Hornswoggle was in attendance.

Straight Edge guys did a segment. The guys were unhappy with Punk. Serena was trying to calm them down. Punk walked out on them at Summerslam. Punk walked in and said if they lose tonight they’re out of SES. HIGH STAKES INDEED.

Serena and Gallows vs. Kelly Kelly and Big Show. Quite the team. Serena did not look good. Neither did Kelly. Kelly was out of position a lot, she hit the ropes at one point and it was like she was pushing off a brick wall, and her bumping was… just bad. Serena won with a gutbuster, which I guess they could play up as a variant of the GTS.

Yay.

Kane started by cackling. They were piping in a shitty echo as he laughed. Of course, there was shitty music playing too. Kane talked about the seven deadly sins and Undertaker’s pride. He explained that the reason ‘Taker was so weak at Summerslam was because he showed up too soon, due to his pride. Kane gave a history lesson on the back story of the two. This promo was long. It was very, very good. Wacky effects aside, Kane gave the best performance of his career probably.

Now it’s everyone’s favourite time of the week;

Warning; match of the night approaching.

Christian might be the most dependable wrestler in the company. He faced off against Drew. But before things could get under way, CODY interrupted. He went to ringside to commentate. In a suit no less. He was okay on commentary. He was funny but not too chatty. They were teasing the Cody/Drew team. Match was fun. Drew was working over the arm that has been the target in Christian matches for a while now.  They had some innovative little spots using the ring and the ringside area. Christian is still a great face, with the crowd firmly behind him. Christian won with a crucifix. After the match Cody and Drew did a beat down. Matt tried to make the save but was beaten up and his foot targeted.

Jack Swagger is bitching backstage. Talking about how shit his Summer has been. It’s HILARIOUSLY revealed to be Rosa he’s talking to.

Any excuse to see her sweat and jiggle.

MVP interrupted. They did some lame promo with bad jokes. Apparently they’re going to have some amateur grappling match next week. If Swagger wins he hosts the VIP lounge. If MVP wins he throws a party and Swagger pays. Legit stakes. Who gives a fuck?

They announced Undertaker is returning next week.

Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio. Del Rio has a JBL entrance where he pulls into the arena in a FLASH car. He looks the part and even has his own Spanish ring announcer. They’re trying hard with the guy, and there’s some fun ideas there.

Pimpin'

Not a lot of heat for Del Rio’s work early. He took most of the match working over Rey’s arm. The match was okay. Some of Del Rio’s stuff looked a bit shakey early on. Probably debut nerves. Alberto hits a beautiful spinning takedown into an armbar for the shock submission. Crowd didn’t know what to make of that one. He slapped it on again after the match to a chorus of boos. Interesting stuff.

A good show from Smackdown. It was certainly due.

6/10

Not pictured; KEITH!

Bischoff came out. He was booed. Babyface. He was all sad about what happened last week. He seemed on the verge of tears. He said he never saw anything quite like last week. He apologised to Dixie. Yes, DIXIE. He said Ric Flair  is going to pay. He said thanks to Hardy for trying to get revenge but it was nothing compared to what Bischoff and Hogan would do to Abyss. That’s a great line. RVD’s was described as near death. Held together by staples and pins and such. Apparently he may have several punctured organs and head trauma. It’s gonna suck when his contract is renewed and he returns in one piece doing all his wacky spots. Bischoff announced the title was vacated and there would be a tournament starting tonight and concluding at Bound for Glory, with the winner getting the tournament. He said something about the Top Ten Rankings having an effect on the tournament. I dunno.

Not pictured: Believable babyface.

There was a long, very good video package putting over MAGNUS, formerly of British Invasion. I haven’t seen much of him lately, bar tidbits of wacky interviews from Xplosion. Apparently he has gotten better in the ring, so lets see where this goes. Important to remember he’s just 23 years old.

Madison was backstage in one of those realistic style promos where she bitched about Angelina. I like these segments.

The first participant in the title tournament; ROB TERRY. Please let him advance. Please. This guy is so fucking big it’s absurd. His opponent is Hardy. Jeff Hardy, babyface, attacks Terry, also a babyface, before the bell. Terry makes his monstrous comeback and throws Hardy around for a bit. Hardy cut him off and did his dropkick spot in the corner. Twice. Rob got the offence again and hit his spin kick. Also twice. I think the first one completely whiffed. Jeff hit the twist of fate and then just about hit the swanton for the clean pin. Bad match.

Not pictured; good professional wrestlers.

Fortune arrives in their suits. They look good.

Another one of those realistic segments but this time it was one of those ones where they create the illusion that the guy is being spied on. It was Hogan. He said he was thinking of quitting after last week. Great line given the recent twitter fiasco. Hogan said RVD was irreplaceable. Another great line considering he’s gone.

Match #2 in the tournament was Jay Lethal vs. Ken Anderson.

Not pictured; people deserving of world titles.

Anderson did his asshole promo to open, as always. Anderson and Lethal had some great chain wrestling early, ducking in and out of each other’s finishers. Anderson killed Lethal with a back elbow at one point. Kennedy still a joy to work with, I see. Lethal got sidestepped on a missle dropkick and got hit with the mic-drop. Lethal got none of the match, sucks to be that guy. Fun match. They did a handshake after the match.

Angelina was with Christy. She cut an amateur hour promo on Madison.

Recap of Shelley and Sabin on ReAction last week talking about their title match.

Angelina vs. Madison for the Knockouts title.

Not pictured; attractive woman.

One woman who is attractive however is Velvet Sky. Velvet came out to assist Angelina. Angelina beat up the biker girl as Madison dropped Velvet on the steps. They had a short, bad match. Angelina won. This is apparently Velvet’s face turn. Good. The biker girl and Madison beat up the faces. Why does this woman need to conceal her identity again?

Can't think of a not pictured pun, so I'll just point out what a geek Morgan looks.

Flair does a Flair promo. He puts over Williams and Morgan as his new guys.  He buried EV2. AJ cut a GOOFY promo. God he sucks. He looks like a 6 year old in a suit.

I DON'T WANNA WEAR MY TIE.

I was completely unimpressed with this segment and then…

Say what?

She owns Styles saying he may have built TNA but she owns it. She brings out EV2. She says they have contracts now. Dreamer gets in Flair’s face and says… and this is fucking hilarious… get ready for this…

Let the past go… let Hogan go because this is about TNA. I laughed. I laughed so much. Tommy Dreamer said that. Standing next to Little Nunzio.

Foley cut a promo on Flair. I have no fucking idea what was happening in this segment. Flair kept screaming over Foley as Foley was trying to describe some confrontation they had prior to Flair coming to TNA. They argued and argued. Dreamer talked. And talked. And talked. This is so boring. They announced Dreamer vs. AJ tonight.

Angle vs. Williams, tournament match. Apparently Kurt will retire if he loses a tournament match. No one in this company has a clue. No one. Fuck that gimmick. Apparently Doug is still X Division champion. They had a solid Kurt Angle formula match. I actually expected these two to have better but it was by no means bad.

SHOCKING.

Sting and Nash are on their way to the ring. ‘Scuse me while I groan.

EUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Taz said we never thought we’d see this again. Fuck me, you think you’re surprised.

Insert waffling promo here.

The inside references kick off with Nash saying some people call him a cancer. He says he’s not in this for the money. There’s a big ol’ lie.  Nash says he wont step aside. He’s cheered. The heel, here. Nash says they’re “this close” as a company to turning things around. Another lie there. He says the real cancer is backstage. Smoke and mirrors he says. This is just more of the fucking same. Every week I write about this piss. This utter piss. Jarret interrupts and says this is more BS from Nash. He was booed when he came out. The face. Jarret said he can talk about Sting’s skeletons and “you know what I’m talking about”… I FUCKING DON’T AND I’M A VIEWER. Of course Jeff Jarret plays the “theres a locker room full of young guys who are sick of you” card. He says in honour of Bischoff and Hogan he’s gonna beat both their asses. Hogan came out and said he would assist Jeff. Now Hogan. THERE is a face who actually is over as a face. Crowd went crazy for this man. He said the usual spiel on the young guys getting all the focus. I reckon he believes this. They stepped up to fight and Hogan insisted Sting ditch the bat. Which he did. The lights went out.

When they came back up everyone was laid out. Fortune were kicking the shit out of everyone. There was no reaction to this. According to taping reports, you could see Fortune running to the ring and Hogan lying down which spoiled the moment. Obviously Hogan can’t work a match or take a bump so this is how it had to be. Morgan beat on Nash which was a bit like some kind of parallel universe conundrum where he beats on his future-self.

Pope did a little talking head deal where he spoke on his opponent tonight; Matt Morgan. I love The Pope.

The EV2 dudes were chatting backstage. I’ve said this… so many times but… Raven looks ancient. They cut Dreamer off mid-sentence. Vintage TNA.

Morgan vs. Pope. No heat for this. Match was okay. Pope is great. Morgan is not. Morgan was getting the heat with all his big moves. No one cared. He tried his big kick into the post but he missed and Pope hit the DDE on the floor. He threw Morgan into the ring and pinned him. Morgan got the rope before the one count, right in front of the ref who missed it, but Pope pulled his hand off. Who the fuck made that call? That JUST makes Pope look bad.

Foley was talking some about something.

An old man.

AJ vs. Dreamer. “Lets go AJ” chants early. Any over faces other than Hogan in this company? Tommy Dreamer is fucking hilarious in the ring. Fucking hilarious. He’s one of those guys who now takes like five steps to hit the ropes. He took three little baby steps on the apron before doing his pitiful little senton onto AJ on the floor. He’s so slow and awkward. It’s made even worse by the fact he’s in there with one of the smoothest, most crisp performers in the game. They had an okay little TV main event once AJ took control. EV2 and Fortune brawl on the floor as Dreamer hits a DDT. Abyss hits a black hole slam on Dreamer so AJ can get the win. Lame ending. Big brawl to end the show.

Not really a bad show at all. Very very dull though.

4/10